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It's hard to explain here partially for the very reason it's changing - I'm becoming more hesitant to express vulnerable parts of myself, because some types of negative pushback are really painful. I've heard several ppl express that they don't see me as human, but 2/

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rather a symbol, like they'll insult me somewhere hidden online, but then when I respond to them they immediately apologize and say they didn't really mean it. I feel like a bigger, more unhuman target to a wider group of people now, and it's harder than it looks. 3/

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Getting mass, multi-day hate brigades online is an absolutely surreal feeling. It's like doing a drug - even for me, who's unusually resilient to internet hate. I would have never been able to adequately explain it to my past self. Anyway, all this is changing me 4/

in ways I don't have control over. It's like some deep parts of myself are rewiring how I present and talk. I still feel 'brave' or whatever expressing some things, and increasingly afraid with other things, mostly things that people would perceive as unflattering for me. 5/

For example: I've historically been an *extremely nice* person, almost to a fault. But a few years ago I had someone message me very self-effacing; "I know I'm nobody, but it'd make my day if you could respond" And in response, I felt like I wanted to hurt him. 6/

It was kind of shocking. My impulse was to push him away and make him suffer. Wtf? I was disturbed with myself, but eventually figured out a theory why this happened, which I can go into elsewhere. But my point is, with this example, it'd be very easy for ppl who hate me to 7/

quote it out of context, or hell, even *in* context, to describe me as a sociopathic sadist who has urges to hurt the weak. And the thing is, a lot of the stuff I want to explore but am afraid to is stuff that's unflattering along those lines. 8/

To be clear, I personally experience little-to-no judgment of these things in myself. I've reached the point where I'm fortunate to be totally okay with all my own gross horribleness; my fear is specifically the angry internet masses who are *not* okay with my gross horribleness.

10:05 PM · Dec 30, 2020

Replying to

And so it's very hard to talk publicly about the ways my (limited amount of) 'fame' is changing me. Few people by definition understand, and people who can't are much more likely to judge. All the changes are unflattering, the difficulties unrelatable. It's pretty isolating. 10/

Another aspect of this is that I'm slowly becoming aware of 'hidden networks', and I feel very outside of them. I'm terrible at networking, I'm unclear and insecure about my value to the outside world, and I try *so hard* to be chill about it all cause being unchill is uncool. 11

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