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Aella_Girl's profile
Aella
Aella
Aella
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@Aella_Girl

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AellaVerified account

@Aella_Girl

whorelord http://aella.hns.to 

Austin
knowingless.com
Joined September 2012

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    1. Aella‏Verified account @Aella_Girl 30 Dec 2020

      I'm not famous, but over the course of the past year I've started hitting the point where some social dynamics are changing, where I'm experiencing different pressures online, where even some really deep subconscious stuff in me is shifting around. 1/

      20 replies 2 retweets 236 likes
      Show this thread
    2. Aella‏Verified account @Aella_Girl 30 Dec 2020

      It's hard to explain here partially for the very reason it's changing - I'm becoming more hesitant to express vulnerable parts of myself, because some types of negative pushback are really painful. I've heard several ppl express that they don't see me as human, but 2/

      4 replies 0 retweets 105 likes
      Show this thread
    3. Aella‏Verified account @Aella_Girl 30 Dec 2020

      rather a symbol, like they'll insult me somewhere hidden online, but then when I respond to them they immediately apologize and say they didn't really mean it. I feel like a bigger, more unhuman target to a wider group of people now, and it's harder than it looks. 3/

      1 reply 0 retweets 114 likes
      Show this thread
      Aella‏Verified account @Aella_Girl 30 Dec 2020

      Getting mass, multi-day hate brigades online is an absolutely surreal feeling. It's like doing a drug - even for me, who's unusually resilient to internet hate. I would have never been able to adequately explain it to my past self. Anyway, all this is changing me 4/

      2:05 PM - 30 Dec 2020
      • 94 Likes
      • Alex Rafael Powell Dashiel Juno Woods, Ph.D. poop delian 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸 Ryan Geoffrey Esq. Peter Stair
      1 reply 0 retweets 94 likes
        1. New conversation
        2. Aella‏Verified account @Aella_Girl 30 Dec 2020

          in ways I don't have control over. It's like some deep parts of myself are rewiring how I present and talk. I still feel 'brave' or whatever expressing some things, and increasingly afraid with other things, mostly things that people would perceive as unflattering for me. 5/

          1 reply 0 retweets 75 likes
          Show this thread
        3. Aella‏Verified account @Aella_Girl 30 Dec 2020

          For example: I've historically been an *extremely nice* person, almost to a fault. But a few years ago I had someone message me very self-effacing; "I know I'm nobody, but it'd make my day if you could respond" And in response, I felt like I wanted to hurt him. 6/

          1 reply 0 retweets 73 likes
          Show this thread
        4. Aella‏Verified account @Aella_Girl 30 Dec 2020

          It was kind of shocking. My impulse was to push him away and make him suffer. Wtf? I was disturbed with myself, but eventually figured out a theory why this happened, which I can go into elsewhere. But my point is, with this example, it'd be very easy for ppl who hate me to 7/

          3 replies 0 retweets 71 likes
          Show this thread
        5. Aella‏Verified account @Aella_Girl 30 Dec 2020

          quote it out of context, or hell, even *in* context, to describe me as a sociopathic sadist who has urges to hurt the weak. And the thing is, a lot of the stuff I want to explore but am afraid to is stuff that's unflattering along those lines. 8/

          3 replies 1 retweet 70 likes
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        6. Aella‏Verified account @Aella_Girl 30 Dec 2020

          To be clear, I personally experience little-to-no judgment of these things in myself. I've reached the point where I'm fortunate to be totally okay with all my own gross horribleness; my fear is specifically the angry internet masses who are *not* okay with my gross horribleness.

          1 reply 0 retweets 86 likes
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        7. Aella‏Verified account @Aella_Girl 30 Dec 2020

          And so it's very hard to talk publicly about the ways my (limited amount of) 'fame' is changing me. Few people by definition understand, and people who can't are much more likely to judge. All the changes are unflattering, the difficulties unrelatable. It's pretty isolating. 10/

          4 replies 0 retweets 80 likes
          Show this thread
        8. Aella‏Verified account @Aella_Girl 30 Dec 2020

          Another aspect of this is that I'm slowly becoming aware of 'hidden networks', and I feel very outside of them. I'm terrible at networking, I'm unclear and insecure about my value to the outside world, and I try *so hard* to be chill about it all cause being unchill is uncool. 11

          7 replies 0 retweets 100 likes
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        9. Aella‏Verified account @Aella_Girl 30 Dec 2020

          I often feel like I have no idea what's going on, like I'm entering some big jittery ride that is taking me somewhere extreme, either good or bad, and I don't know how to ask the more experienced people for help and I am afraid to talk about it with everyone else. 12/12

          19 replies 0 retweets 123 likes
          Show this thread
        10. End of conversation

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