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Conversation

Sometimes I get paid for things, and part of me gets anxious about this. Don't they know I don't have value? They're gonna catch on. Better try harder whew

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What if you don't have value?

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It's kind of relaxing. Less dissonance with the messages of the world. I'd probably die within a few years, because no one would take care of me and I couldn't take care of myself

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How do you feel about this outcome?

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Bad in the way where I want to claw and thrash away rather than accept that version of myself dying on the streets cold and barefoot

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So something like, if you don't have value (if other ppl don't value you?) then you will probably die, and you don't want to die?

9:36 PM · Nov 23, 2020

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Yeah. I'm sure why this feels grossbad and desperate, I can briefly inhabit a view where it's matter-of-fact

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and

being with the pain of wanting not-lonely-death feels like the next right thing. Difficult to do fully without a serotonin flood.

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