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if the confidence is real or fake. Humor is a great shit-test; it's harder to be funny when hiding nervousness. I also notice I do an aggressive kind of teasing right away; if someone acquiesces to me in an 'appease' sort of move, it's unattractive; pushing back is hot 2/

Also desperation/reaching out when I do 'pull back' moves (which are often not intentional!). If I'm busy for a week and they send too many messages, or if I indicate I'm not really interested and they jokingly beg, that's an immediate vaginal drying effect. 3/

I also have subconscious terror that a guy wants to have sex with me as a 'conquer' thing; he doesn't really care about me, he manages to manipulate me into sleeping with him but he does this to a bunch of girls; as though he 'beats' them at the game, and I don't wanna lose 4/

This has gotten worse since my profile online has raised (especially sexually); as I've gotten more well known, I've become increasingly afraid someone is trying to sleep with me so they can run around going I FUCKED AELLA and then that feels shameful for me for some reason? 5/

This isn't really consciously endorsed, but my gut is convinced that I can't trust people who want to sleep with me, that they want to sleep with me for a lot of other reasons besides me as a person, and that if I sleep with them I'm really weak and everyone will laugh at me 6/

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That's super baked into cultural conditioning for women - a form of "defense" similar to virginity/chastity. Not without some truth, but like... You can "conquer" them, too. Why does it feel 1-way?

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I historically have been pretty good at initiating or propositioning. I haven't met a guy recently who I felt excited enough to initiate on tho?

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Yep, I wasn't suggesting anything about you individually - just this dynamic of trust is somewhat gendered. Thought experiment: what would demonstrate trustworthiness in this aspect to you? Can you imagine an ideal for your concern?