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Conversation

My brain's behavior around attraction and mate selection is very confusing to me, probably intentionally so I can't figure it out and then hack it into letting me have more sex. But basically, 'confidence' is a huge one, along with lots of special accidental shit-tests to see 1/

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if the confidence is real or fake. Humor is a great shit-test; it's harder to be funny when hiding nervousness. I also notice I do an aggressive kind of teasing right away; if someone acquiesces to me in an 'appease' sort of move, it's unattractive; pushing back is hot 2/

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Also desperation/reaching out when I do 'pull back' moves (which are often not intentional!). If I'm busy for a week and they send too many messages, or if I indicate I'm not really interested and they jokingly beg, that's an immediate vaginal drying effect. 3/

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I also have subconscious terror that a guy wants to have sex with me as a 'conquer' thing; he doesn't really care about me, he manages to manipulate me into sleeping with him but he does this to a bunch of girls; as though he 'beats' them at the game, and I don't wanna lose 4/

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This has gotten worse since my profile online has raised (especially sexually); as I've gotten more well known, I've become increasingly afraid someone is trying to sleep with me so they can run around going I FUCKED AELLA and then that feels shameful for me for some reason? 5/

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This isn't really consciously endorsed, but my gut is convinced that I can't trust people who want to sleep with me, that they want to sleep with me for a lot of other reasons besides me as a person, and that if I sleep with them I'm really weak and everyone will laugh at me 6/

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So I'm really *really* sensitive to a thousand tiny things around a guy, and worse, even if nothing is a 'bad signal' I still am worried that a bad signal will pop up that I haven't seen yet, and tend to wait a very long time to make sure it's 'safe' to proceed. 7/

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Tbf the men I'm most attracted to have social groups that would be barely impressed at all if he slept with me, where I'm an 'equal' to him and his life, where he could sleep with other girls on my level but is uniquely drawn to me due to unusual compatibility 8/

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And this might end up being just the typical trashy erotic novel/teen romance movie scenario, where the high powered/wealthy/successful man notices something special in the female protagonist and clearly sexually wants uniquely her for something non-sexual about her being. 9/

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I'm a little embarrassed to realize that this is basically my fantasy, though I'm more interested in 'equal' than 'better' man. But also I'm personally am very weird and have weird preferences in men on top of this so honestly i think im probably fucked for mate selection.

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addendum: For all yall saying 'obvs this is basic', I know - but this is *new(ish)* for me; I used to be a happy slut nbd or care. It's also exacerbated by my internet popularity, which is new. I also think my gut reaction is mismatched to actual threat.

9:37 PM · Oct 9, 2020

Replying to

This whole thread is about men How do your feelings change around flirtatious girls?

Michael A. Lowry

Replying to

You’re being more obsessive because you’re now old enough to realize mate choice matters.

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Ain't nothing wrong with learning more about yourself! I think that's a great thing. I also think it'll be great for you when you realize mechanical keyboards are great too 😌😜

CRUSTACEAN SENSATION

@chopstickfury01

Replying to

Kinda sounds like you're maybe more aware of your worth and thus are more concerned about protecting yourself on the level of self-worth. Your profile was lower so you weren't wrapped up in your brand, but you might have also raised your sense of worth over time as well.

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You sound frustrating

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do you want children?

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Does any of thugs resonate with your religious upbringing?

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This is the most well-articulated version of the fog of mating I think I’ve ever read.

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This helped me understand some of the things my wife does, though she would never articulate it so clearly. Thank you. I'm curious what crops up if you consciously flesh out those worst-case scenarios. How do you imagine people's interactions with you changing?

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Killer Sodanghard

Replying to

Go slow, analysis and thought will guide you on where you want to go. You are smart, humorous and beautiful. Done well, you will last as long as you enjoy. Finding the right person that can share it, a challenge. Best of luck.