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if the confidence is real or fake. Humor is a great shit-test; it's harder to be funny when hiding nervousness. I also notice I do an aggressive kind of teasing right away; if someone acquiesces to me in an 'appease' sort of move, it's unattractive; pushing back is hot 2/

Also desperation/reaching out when I do 'pull back' moves (which are often not intentional!). If I'm busy for a week and they send too many messages, or if I indicate I'm not really interested and they jokingly beg, that's an immediate vaginal drying effect. 3/

I also have subconscious terror that a guy wants to have sex with me as a 'conquer' thing; he doesn't really care about me, he manages to manipulate me into sleeping with him but he does this to a bunch of girls; as though he 'beats' them at the game, and I don't wanna lose 4/

9:26 PM · Oct 9, 2020

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This has gotten worse since my profile online has raised (especially sexually); as I've gotten more well known, I've become increasingly afraid someone is trying to sleep with me so they can run around going I FUCKED AELLA and then that feels shameful for me for some reason? 5/

This isn't really consciously endorsed, but my gut is convinced that I can't trust people who want to sleep with me, that they want to sleep with me for a lot of other reasons besides me as a person, and that if I sleep with them I'm really weak and everyone will laugh at me 6/

So I'm really *really* sensitive to a thousand tiny things around a guy, and worse, even if nothing is a 'bad signal' I still am worried that a bad signal will pop up that I haven't seen yet, and tend to wait a very long time to make sure it's 'safe' to proceed. 7/

Tbf the men I'm most attracted to have social groups that would be barely impressed at all if he slept with me, where I'm an 'equal' to him and his life, where he could sleep with other girls on my level but is uniquely drawn to me due to unusual compatibility 8/

And this might end up being just the typical trashy erotic novel/teen romance movie scenario, where the high powered/wealthy/successful man notices something special in the female protagonist and clearly sexually wants uniquely her for something non-sexual about her being. 9/

I'm a little embarrassed to realize that this is basically my fantasy, though I'm more interested in 'equal' than 'better' man. But also I'm personally am very weird and have weird preferences in men on top of this so honestly i think im probably fucked for mate selection.

Anarcho-Moses, Lentil Grinder

addendum: For all yall saying 'obvs this is basic', I know - but this is *new(ish)* for me; I used to be a happy slut nbd or care. It's also exacerbated by my internet popularity, which is new. I also think my gut reaction is mismatched to actual threat.

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I'm never looking to "conquer". I'm demiromantic/demisexual and don't give a shit unless I'm genuinely interested.

@ben_r_hoffman

Oct 22, 2020

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