Quarantine is getting surreal with more frequent punctuations of grief and loneliness. I live alone in a bad area where it's uncomfortable to go outside. I'm focusing on onlyfans which is a roller coaster of dopamine and fear. I am trying to plan for my future but I don't know if
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this income is going to last. I'm both extremely grateful and trying to remember not to be attached, that this might all vanish. I'm not exercising, my eating is getting sporadic. I'm losing weight. I'm having increasing brain fog and fatigue and inability finishing tasks.
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I feel like a weird cog in a dream machine, like I've been here forever. Last night I saw a man get nearly arrested outside my window for racing an empty moving van. The closest homeless encampment caught on fire. The tenan is gone now but his stuff is still there in muddy ashes.
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I'm really lucky in so many ways, but I'm losing my mind. I keep getting ants. 50% of my diet is potato chips. I want to start writing my book but I am waiting for the day my brain stops feeling like it's smothered in mud. This is all so weird.
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This thread feels like it should be very poetic rather than depressing. Best of luck.
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I had a pretty similar experience while living in SF. Visited my parents in SJ and on the fourth day my listlessness suddenly vanished. I strongly suspect it was Vit D deficiency since I’m getting way more sun now.
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Long-term stress can make concentration difficult; it did to me.
I’ve found that preserving regular habits can help life feel less random and disjunct.
People close to me have communicated similar feelings. I hope you have someone who can be present emotionally for you.
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Let me be brutally honest and try to assess your malaise:
You whore yourself out on OnlyFans (not judging here) & are smart enough to know that it's an unstable way to make a living and will not be an option before long, because you know the dreaded wall is fast approaching.
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Did you enjoy living in NYC? What borough were you in. Our homeless problem is not as bad as west coast and confined to a few areas but it's as bad as I've seen in 20+ years. So I guess it's just a nationwide thing.
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It's there people who call on you just to know how you are? While I was isolated and with the virus those were the thing that helped me navigate the situation with some sanity. Eating badly won't help regaining focus. I wouldn't worry about the porn thing being unstable: you are
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