Conversation

Aella
@Aella_Girl
"I only ever want my spouse," you say, monogamously. This is probably mostly true, but a little bit not true - especially over time. It's very unlikely that over decades of being with someone, you will never experience any sexual/romantic desire for another person. 1/
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
So let's take this situation and apply 'poly' rules to it. In this marriage, you don't actually agree to stay exclusive, because you know maybe one of you will develop desire in the future. You spend decades functionally monogamous, but one day you experience arousal towards 2/
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
someone else, and are able to pursue that. Both of these situations look extremely similar - both have natural desire almost exclusively for your partner over long periods of time - but one of them doesn't actually require an agreement. So this throws the term 'monogamous' 3/
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
into confusion for me. Is monogamy an agreement to never give into desire for intimacy outside the relationship? Or is it a natural tendency to only desire your single person? I consider it the agreement. For me, 'monogamy' refers to the rules you operate under, 4/
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
not the 'natural orientation of your desire.' I know this isn't an ideal division - this means that two people who have complete freedom to pursue others but never actually do, would be considered polyamorous! But still it feels much clearer than what we have now.
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Arlyn Culwick 🔀
@arlynculwick
Replying to
@Aella_Girl
I don't think one is monogamous or polyamorous principally because of agreement. Neither does being one of these states follow from pursuing only one person - or others. Monogamy is independent of agreement. It's cultivating a personhood - [...]
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Audacious Denizen
@NormalDenizen
Replying to
@Aella_Girl
To have any agreement is to promise not to give in to your feelings. Relationships are implicit agreements, so they’re often hazy, but broadly speaking monogams promise to ignore romantic feelings, while polyams promise to ignore jealousy.
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Virgil
@VirgilMSW
Replying to
@Aella_Girl
Simply it's the agreement you will not give into your desires. Of course you have those desires, but the agreement helps move past momentary lust for a more fulfilling long term relationship. Nothing can compare to the intimacy and connection of a long term loving relationship.
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Flo
@moneyloveshim
Replying to
@Aella_Girl
1.) I also think it's an agreement and a personal decision you make. You decide against (superficial and fleeting) new desire and instead for your partner. Oc you don't own each other so when your desire for someone else is too strong to overcome, you can renegotiate but ...
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