So let's take this situation and apply 'poly' rules to it. In this marriage, you don't actually agree to stay exclusive, because you know maybe one of you will develop desire in the future. You spend decades functionally monogamous, but one day you experience arousal towards 2/
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someone else, and are able to pursue that. Both of these situations look extremely similar - both have natural desire almost exclusively for your partner over long periods of time - but one of them doesn't actually require an agreement. So this throws the term 'monogamous' 3/
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into confusion for me. Is monogamy an agreement to never give into desire for intimacy outside the relationship? Or is it a natural tendency to only desire your single person? I consider it the agreement. For me, 'monogamy' refers to the rules you operate under, 4/
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not the 'natural orientation of your desire.' I know this isn't an ideal division - this means that two people who have complete freedom to pursue others but never actually do, would be considered polyamorous! But still it feels much clearer than what we have now.
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I’ve used “de facto monogamy” to refer to something like the natural tendency without the agreement.
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in my view, monogamy is the conscious, upfront sacrifice of pursuing those inevitable feelings towards others
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which in turn signals that you reallllyyy like the person to be willing to give up that future optionality
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Humans are absolutely terrible at understanding what we want/will want, even for little things like talking to strangers. For big things like "I only ever want my spouse," we are almost certainly incorrect, esp. on marriage-length time-scales https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2019/07/26/744267015/want-to-feel-happier-today-try-talking-to-a-stranger …pic.twitter.com/FmnYP8pw1i
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This all seems very... defensive. Like you’re trying to justify a way of life that doesn’t need to be justified in the first place.
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It’s not necessarily the optimal approach to romantic relationships. I reckon it only ‘works’ if a couple are upfront about the needs it doesn’t satisfy, but it seems relatively successful at fulfilling other needs, but obviously it all depends on desired outcomes/personal needs
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