"I only ever want my spouse," you say, monogamously.
This is probably mostly true, but a little bit not true - especially over time. It's very unlikely that over decades of being with someone, you will never experience any sexual/romantic desire for another person. 1/
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So let's take this situation and apply 'poly' rules to it. In this marriage, you don't actually agree to stay exclusive, because you know maybe one of you will develop desire in the future.
You spend decades functionally monogamous, but one day you experience arousal towards 2/
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someone else, and are able to pursue that.
Both of these situations look extremely similar - both have natural desire almost exclusively for your partner over long periods of time - but one of them doesn't actually require an agreement.
So this throws the term 'monogamous' 3/
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into confusion for me. Is monogamy an agreement to never give into desire for intimacy outside the relationship? Or is it a natural tendency to only desire your single person?
I consider it the agreement. For me, 'monogamy' refers to the rules you operate under, 4/
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not the 'natural orientation of your desire.'
I know this isn't an ideal division - this means that two people who have complete freedom to pursue others but never actually do, would be considered polyamorous! But still it feels much clearer than what we have now.
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1- It’s a choice. Overall, I believe it’s the best long term romantic option for all parties involved (each partner, their potential kids and families, society as a whole).
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2- Saying you won’t develop attraction for another person is a lie. But committing to forego those urges for the good of literally everyone else in your life is one of the key things that make humans distinct from other animals: we can deny our instincts.
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I’ve used “de facto monogamy” to refer to something like the natural tendency without the agreement.
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in my view, monogamy is the conscious, upfront sacrifice of pursuing those inevitable feelings towards others
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Humans are absolutely terrible at understanding what we want/will want, even for little things like talking to strangers. For big things like "I only ever want my spouse," we are almost certainly incorrect, esp. on marriage-length time-scales
npr.org/sections/healt
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This all seems very... defensive.
Like you’re trying to justify a way of life that doesn’t need to be justified in the first place.
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