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What I mean by this is that I view any sort of philosophy that requires other people to view you a certain way *or else you experience a lot of pain* to be possibly quite unhealthy. I imagine a good, aligned person doesn't feel the need to control the way other people see them.
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And to be clear, it's okay to have coping mechanisms for things that aren't healed - we all do, and I'm not saying you *shouldn't* take this solution if it's the best one available to you. I just suspect it's a result of not actually having all your shit worked out.
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I also don't mean that trying to force people into the gender binary also creates a lot of issues and pain. I had a childhood very much like that, where I was forced into a binary of what women were supposed to be like, which was terrible. I get not wanting to continue that.