I think the thing other people are parsing as 'gender' isn't 'gender' to me. I talked with a nonbinary friend recently who described their nonbinaryness as sort of... not wanting to be misunderstood as having female traits. This is valid! This also is completely different from-
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e.g., if you're an extremely masculine woman (like me!), this doesn't make you less of a woman. In the nonbinary gender framework, it seems like this *does* actually make you less of a woman. This is totally foreign to me.
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My conception of gender has a lot to do with common knowledge appearance - how do you read in the world, and how does the world treat you based on how you read? This mostly equals your 'gender'. In this perspective, your gender doesn't belong to you, but to your society.
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It's a very 'old' thing - ingrained, and fundamental to how society is constructed (though I don't think it's necessarily good). This other conception of gender, where it's something you identify as, is completely incompatible with the way I understand it.
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I'm not saying I'm rejecting that framework - I'm interested in using it - just the word 'gender' is really confusing things for me. I think when I overlay the word nonbinary onto the base gender, like "nonbinary woman", THEN it makes total sense to me.
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Then that communicates to me - this is someone who is treated by society as the female role, because they have a vagina and look female. They also feel there's aspects of femininity that don't apply to them, and want to be clear to others that they're not a typical woman.
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End of conversation
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Issues of gender and orientation are only concerns of the bottoms.
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There seems to be a real effort to subvert concepts of gender. I think it is a goal of some (not all) nb people to muddle concepts of gender to a point of uselessness.
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