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There's an idea floating around that you "shouldn't hurt people". In general, this is a good idea. Sometimes there's obvious exceptions, like in self defense. Sometimes it's less obvious - your abusive romantic partner might be terribly hurt if you break up with them. Sometimes-

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Your conservative aunt might experience huge pain when she finds out you're not going to church. Maybe you want to lose weight but your best friend has an eating disorder and is really triggered by your new habits.

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Sometimes, we should hurt people - or, at least it's okay to hurt people. Sometimes, it's also okay to be hurt. Pain does not always justify controlling others, or others controlling us. Hurting someone should not be the only thing you use to evaluate your actions.

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And sometimes being too afraid of causing pain can result in dampened joy for everyone else, and insidious training wheels being reinstalled on our behavior. Any thriving community needs some level of pain tolerance!

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The way to handle pain in situations like these is to accept it exists, to hurt with the person feeling it, and then to compassionately continue with the thing that is good - break up with the boyfriend, but validate his pain. Lose weight, while hurting with your friend.

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Being hurt by an action doesn't mean it was wrong, but the action being good does not invalidate the pain.

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Interesting thread, but I don't get the final. Why should be 2 people hurting better than 1 people hurting? If the action is good, than it's on the party hurting to change their perception/awareness. More overall suffering is not better than less suffering, why should it be?

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I guess I view that as love - the ability to step into another person's shoes even while you're taking steps to protect yourself.

9:11 AM · Dec 17, 2019