Conversation

Aella
@Aella_Girl
Carl and Bob agree that neither of them will spend time alone with another friend. Five years into their friendship, Bob secretly meets up for beers and shooting pool with Alice. Carl asks him where he was -Bob lies. Carl finds out and, furious, ends the friendship. (cont)
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
So like - Bob did make an agreement, break it, and lie. But this seems of secondary importance to the fact that they literally made each other promise something that is really hard to do in the long run, out of what's probably severe insecurity, and not actually healthy. (cont)
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
When I see monogamous people cheat in media (or real life?), this is sort of the reaction I have. Yeah - they did break an agreement and lie. But seriously how is nobody talking about the insane agreement they felt pressured to enter in the first place?? No shit they cheated!
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Ian Miles Cheong
@stillgray
Replying to
@Aella_Girl
Hanging out =/= boning each other. Nothing wrong with hanging out with someone else alone if you're married or partnered up and it's insane to expect people to be with each other at all times. And it's not hard to just say, hey, I won't cheat.
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
Replying to
@stillgray
The analogy is that the agreement in both cases is made out of insecurity of what happens if your partner/friend bonds too much with someone else, that this is fundamentally unhealthy, and requires suppression of base drive for bonds with others.
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Ian Miles Cheong
@stillgray
Replying to
@Aella_Girl
I really think it's different for every individual. Some people are built for monogamy. Others aren't. The pressure comes when you're compelled into an agreement you don't fully agree with. Imagine being a monogamous-minded person who says to a poly relationship. It'd suck.
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
Replying to
@stillgray
We live in a culture that seriously massively institutes monogamy as a norm and treats all people as justified for freaking out when their partner breaks the unreasonable agreement. I think way fewer people are 'built for monogamy' than you might think, if you remove culture.
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Ian Miles Cheong
@stillgray
Replying to
@Aella_Girl
You know, you're probably right. It is a social construct. I can see practical reasons for imposing it for the purposes of maintaining social cohesion, but it goes against basic human impulses.
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
Replying to
@stillgray
Yeah, and i can't believe I'm about to say this word nonironically, but it feels patriarchal to me. I usually interpret one woman=one man as most benefiting men, who have uncertain fatherhood to deal with want guaranteed partners for lower status mates.
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Floidberg
@floidberg
Replying to
@Aella_Girl
and
@stillgray
Bit of matriarchy, bit of patriarchy. Doing away with either incurs costs. Depends on the marriage. What's the right song? Freebird These Boots Are Made for Walkin I'm Still Here Why Don't You Do Right? Ain't Nothin' Goin' On But the Rent Annie's Song You Don't Own Me
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