I realized I had no true self when I was 13, and over my life this has developed into a theme. I feel as though I'm a series of masks, or personalities, all the way down into the abyss; if you try to uncover the truth of me, you'll find nothing there at all.
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This leaves me grasping when I read people talk about being more authentic or taking off the masks we wear; to make sense of it, I parse these sayings as "remove the mask you're wearing now to find out what mask is underneath."
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Underneath all the masks of your phenotype, there's always your genotype -- your one true stable identity. Not a void, but three billion base pairs of wonderful information.
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This is one way of defining identity, but isn't what I mean - I don't feel an identity with my base pairs no matter how much I try; and even if I did, that sense of identity wouldn't be 'objective'.
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The abuse in your youth caused you to become dissonant and you built theses masks as a defence. This is what it feels like on the inside to be Narcissist, ASPD or DID. Try to find which one(s) you have.
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“I realized I had no true self when I was 13....” Your self is that “I” that is realizing these things. It’s what the series of masks is latched onto.
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Quit the acid, and get into transcendental meditation, you will find your true self.
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Aella, after reading a few things you've written, I'm curious whether you've ever had any interest in Zen Buddhism, and if so what you think of it.
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