Abam

@AdamBroud

I do stand up and write stuff please pay me

Phoenix, AZ
Vrijeme pridruživanja: ožujak 2014.

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  1. Prikvačeni tweet
    1. lip 2017.

    Me: What's your favorite book? Date: War and Peace Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one

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    *a man runs into the bar* "HELP HELP, IS ANYONE HERE COUSINS WITH BON JOVI?" *my date looks at me, I do nothing, my lies are now exposed*

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  3. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    3. velj 2018.

    I went to a bar that was 1900s brothel themed and my favorite part was coughing blood into a handkerchief and quickly hiding it away, whispering "I mustn't let a soul see."

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    2. velj

    not sure why the bad part of "you made your bed, now lie in it" is the part where you get to lie in a bed

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  5. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    10. lis 2019.

    Bee Jesus: *handing out pretzel sticks* Take these and eat them, for they are my stinger

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    2. velj

    LORD:*takes out one earbud, hears prayer, rolls eyes, puts earbud back in*

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  7. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    9. sij

    me: how much for the supermodel camel keeper: that’s a giraffe

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  8. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    31. kol 2018.

    You’d think dogs would have a better way to scratch an itch rather than just kicking themselves in the face

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  9. 31. sij

    Me: I'm looking for a job where I'm not a stripper but I still get to shake my ass in front of a crowd Choir Directors Guild: JOIN US

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  10. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    28. lip 2017.

    the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes

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  11. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    29. sij

    Thomas Wayne: let's watch a show in the sketchiest part of our crime filled city Mrs Wayne: should we bring some security guards? Thomas Wayne: no just your finest pearls

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    30. sij

    repeatedly stabbing a potato with a fork is my favorite part of cooking because i enjoy stabbing more than cooking

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    29. sij

    [twerking erratically at the club] I’M VERY UNHAPPY

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    10. velj 2014.

    FORBIDDEN CHESS PIECES: The Prophet, who is aware of the hands which move the pieces. The Crows, placed on the board after the final turn.

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    marie kondo holding me up in front of my friends and family asking does this spark joy? and as they solemnly shake their heads i blink out of existence

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    24. sij

    Dorothy stares at the munchkins. They stare back at her. “I guess I just thought maybe there’d be a song or something?” she says. One of them takes a long drag off a cigarette, then flicks it to the yellow brick and crushes it underfoot. “Take it up with the guild, lady.”

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  17. 29. sij

    Anytime I’m in a group where we “go around and introduce ourselves with a fun fact” I always say “my name is Adam and I’m a ten in the looks department” then when the laughter dies down I loudly whisper “I hate this place”

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  18. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    24. sij

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a horse that solves crimes

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  19. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    28. sij

    This is the only social media that people brag about being a shitty person and everyone’s like “yes sis!!!”

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    27. sij
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  21. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    25. sij

    Sometimes when I know it’s safe I let my son sit on my lap and drive the car with me. He’s 34 and he hates it.

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