Lilo the autistic queer (they/ them)

Most of the other kids are bad at drawing too, because they're young. But you're exceptionally inept at it. You don't understand it. And you know that. And the other kids know that. And the adults know that. You try to speak to adults, and they think it's cute.

They talk about what a cute hobby speaking is and how nice it is you're so interested in it. But they miss every message. They don't understand your words, your vocabulary. Eventually, they start telling you enough is enough. That speaking is a cute hobby, but you need to draw.

They start refusing to fulfill your needs unless you draw them out. You struggle through it. You try desperately to just ask, but they miss it. They don't understand. They tell you just draw it. They make you go to therapy to learn to draw because your communication is wrong.

You become so afraid to draw things wrong that you stop drawing all together. And they just keep trying harder and harder to make you draw better. You cry out in words. They don't understand. Eventually you realize you must learn to draw. There's no other option. So you copy.

You start copying art and get better and better at presenting the drawings they want. You even get so good at copying that you're praised as a poster-child for overcoming a drawing disability. But... you still don't understand drawing. You only ever learned to copy.

You can't create original works. You don't know how. You can't express your actual emotions... only a copied version of what you've learned they want you to draw. And over time, you learned to hide your speech. To speak less and less. To do so only in private.

You grow up then, a perfect child. A model child. Always listening. Always drawing exactly what is expected of you... beginning to wonder if you even have original thoughts at all. If you'll ever draw anything that isn't a copy. But you can't express this fear. You can only copy

People notice you're agitated, anxious, depressed. And they ask what's wrong. And you get frustrated. You don't know how to draw the answer. You can only copy an expected "i'm fine" drawing. You can't handle internalizing everything anymore. You burnout.

You lose some of the drawings you used to know how to copy. Your brain is overwhelmed, you can't remember the details. People get mad at you. Call you lazy. Say you used to be able to draw. Say that you're smarter than this. And you crumble and try desperately to speak.

And they shut it down. Tell you to stop. Tell you to just draw it like you used to. Tell you you better figure out what you used to do differently and do that again so you can draw. And you're stuck. You can't communicate. You can't tell them you don't know how. You...can't

That's been my life the past 24 years, but with spoken communication. This is why I will be getting my master's degree in clinical psychology and Art Therapy and will focus on clients with "communication disorders" I believe there is no one right way to communicate.

I think many other #ActuallyAutistic adults have had similar experiences. Maybe we should consider this when we're forcing nuerotypical communication. Maybe we need more neurodiversity in the classroom. #autism #AutismAcceptance #autistic #autismawareness #ND #Neurodivergent

For anyone wondering: I did not have what they consider a "language delay" in early childhood. However, at three years old I was diagnosed with something called "selective mutism" - which means I could speak at home, but not outside the home. I was put in therapy & SPED

I learned to speak outside the house.... but I learned to perform. To speak about surface expected things to please everyone... to tell them "look, i'm speaking now" I am unable to communicate fully vocally. I can speak about surface things easily. Many don't know i'm autistic.