ADHDers are no strangers to failing.
After years of failing, I just avoided doing things.
Why do stuff when we'll just fail?
When everyone around us blames us for not trying hard enough when we were putting our all into it?
When hard work is just rewarded with failure?
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NT folks equate interest with result.
With hard work with result.
That if you aren't producing output or getting the result you want, you're just not trying hard enough.
And even ND folks can pick up that mindset form NTs around us..
And feel worse about ourselves for it.
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Let me share a truth:
Failing something doesn't mean we are a failure.
I used feel worse about myself after failing cause it'd validate feelings I had of myself being a failure.
"Why try? I'm going to fail cause I'm a failure."
"Why try if my ADHD means I'll just fail?"
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One of my core concepts I believe in is that "everything is learning experience".
It helps cause it stops me from thinking a failure was a waste of time and spoons.
And helps me come to term with the fact that I can now take what I've learnt from it and use it.
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Cause how do you improve? By practise.
And practise involves failure.
So to improve and prevent future failures, we have to deal with current failures.
It still hurts. Fuck, does it still hurt.
But what else can I do?
I can't only do stuff I'm naturally good at.
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Its not just about exposing oneself to failure.. cause it's not like we don't have experience with that.
No I had to try things.. fail.. and then come to terms with the failure.
Self soothe and tell myself that I'm not a failure and next time I'll do better.
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I will admit though, that this is easier done for short to medium length stuff.
Stuff with a definite goal and outcome.
Like I still haven't been able to exercise.
Cause after a while, you do it to maintain your standard.
Unless I start competing I guess.. hmmmmm.
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The concept of self improvement and change is kinda warped for ADHDers cause of our time blindness.
We are impatient so stuff that isn't near immediate can be so hard.
Or stuff not fully under our control.
Like learning to socialize better.
It's slow and relies on other.
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We try something, don't improve as fast as we want (ie, immediately) and get frustrated.
We aren't good with delayed gratification so oftentimes it's the frustration that causes us to quit.
Personally, I've noticed that I can't learn stuff for its own sake.
I need a goal.
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So if you ask me to learn to use a software for hours, I'd struggle so much.
But tell me you want me to do x using the software and suddenly, I have no issue with failing.
Similarly, I struggle to do stuff for myself but I can go above and beyond to help a loved one do it.
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That is one of the advantages of coming out the other side.
No one likes to fail, NT or ND.
But I've now faced so much failure (and can now deal with them in a healthy way), that I am much more comfortable than NTs with concept of failing.
Not for everything but still.
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