I am developing a better sense of what NOT to do, but still don't really know what TO DO, esp since my child is now in college. Don't know how any relationship can stay strong through this with an older kid, even if OK on the surface. If you don't support it, you are the enemy.
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I asked questions & shared info with my daughter too (in the beginning more so than the end). I learned to not constantly discuss this topic, became skilled at biting my tongue. Tried to navigate carefully so that we maintained a good relationship.
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But I thought it was important to counteract falsehoods, spark critical thinking. At times my daughter was frustrated by this, but she admitted that I made her think. Not sure I'd do it any differently if I had to do it over. Of course, responses should be tailored to our kids.
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I think the difference is if my parents said “spend less time socializing and more on homework”, any adult in my life would have agreed and reinforced this message. In my son’s case, he had trusted adults telling him we were abusive. It was hard to give him our thoughts when
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every single time it led to renewed affirmation by his supporters. We learned to stay quiet even though it went against every instinct we had as his parents. Again, I would certainly change many things about how we handled this, and more discussions is the top change we’d make.
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