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I'm about to break the first rule of covering the far right. I'm gonna admit I'm upset about something For a week now, people have laughed and told me I'm clearly not intimidated by men with guns threatening me because I don't "act intimidated" There's some baggage there for me
I don't emote "correctly" in public. It's caused me a lot of trouble I grew up in a house where large, loud emotions were...discouraged Then I joined the Army, where any kind of non-angry display of emotion proved you were a weak little girl who shouldn't be in the Army
Once, two big guys who outranked me locked me in a small room with them and tried to put a camel spider on me. Look that shit up, it's a nightmare from beyond time I am arachnophobic. I would have screamed like a girl. So instead I pulled my multitool and threatened to stab them
And they let me out and everything was fine because to complain they would have had to admit what they did If anything, they had more respect for me after that That's the world I came of age in
So yeah, when I'm intimidated or frightened or sad, I immediately turn to anger and bravado because that's what has always kept me safe. It still does I go home and I cry there, where it's safe. Sometimes it takes days to feel whatever I feel, but I feel it just like anyone else
I am fucking terrified Every. Single. Time EVERY TIME I do it to prove to myself I'm not a coward and because if we're all being honest I get off on the adrenaline But I'm always scared
It really bothers me when people assume it means I don't have feelings because frankly it happens a lot and it's played havoc on my personal life So it gets under my skin sometimes Like now
I guess I'm hoping posting this will help me feel less invisible and trapped in my own head, enough to outweigh the 50,000 "cry more" responses I'll be receiving shortly Thanks for listening
(epilogue 12 hours later: thank you everyone for your overwhelming support and kind words, it means a lot to me seriously)
You’re one of my top favorite journalist who I respect for what it’s worth and I feel you set a bar of integrity for covering the protests
I come from an abusive mother and went into an abusive marriage (previous one, not this one), I don’t emote either. I do have feelings. I get called “cold” a lot, which I am not. I process my feelings different, and usually alone after the fact. Sometimes much later. It’s okay 
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