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This morning my mother wrote to ask if I'm still on my meds and adhering to best practices for Bipolar II I assume it's because I posted the video of me getting threatened by AR-15 guy to Facebook, which I knew she wouldn't like for many reasons It's also high-risk behavior
One of the worst things about having a mental illness is that everything you do is suspect. When people don't like something you do, they can blame the illness. This isn't the "real you." Must be time for a med adjustment. It robs me of agency
This isn't the first time this has happened. She isn't the only person who's done it. It hurts every time I do it to myself too. Every thought is suspect. Every mood. Am I happy or hypomanic? Am I sad or crashing? Is my brain working, or do I just think it is? Am I crazy?
Today, thinking about whether she's right to ask, I suddenly realized it doesn't matter Don't get me wrong. Meds and maintainance are real important to keep me functional and not a miserable wreck of a person. I could never have done what I do now unmedicated. I tried for years
But I'm always going to be someone with Bipolar II, even when under control with medication. That's not an inauthentic part of me If it means I have a higher risk tolerance than most people? Seek out exciting situations? Make important decisions quickly? That's actually OK
Why am I going through my life trying so hard to be some model neurotypical person? I'm not one. I'm never going to be one I should be striving for a functional and happy life, whatever that looks like for me. And you know what? I have that. Right now I'm not sorry
As I contemplate the "post" button, I ponder the ramifications of talking openly about mental illness while the eyes of Andy Ngo's goons are fixed firmly upon me. I anticipate muting comments on this thread quicky Fuck it. None of you people matter to me I know who I am
Thank you for being real. This post reminded me I forgot my meds. 
Thank you for talking about this. All of us who manage mental illness or neurodivergence know that it is a big part of who we are. Increasing awareness helps to reduce the stigma - both from others and ourselves.
Thank you for posting this. You wrote what I have been feeling but didn’t know how to put in to words in much of this thread. The removal of agency and 2nd guessing everything is spot on.
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