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tweettales
Children, Momma missed you. Sorry to have kept you all chained to the furnace like this. I will never be the parent that Britney Spears is.4:11 PM May 19thfrom web
After finding the kitten in my bag, the Customs guy asked if I had anything else to declare. "Just these monkeys taped to my leg," I said.4:41 PM Feb 10thfrom web
Christmas only comes once a year, and it's a good thing too, because otherwise we'd have two Jesuses.4:30 PM Feb 10thfrom web
I'm pretty sure that the cat isn't supposed to be on fire, but who am I to judge him?4:29 PM Feb 10thfrom web
I recently used karate to defeat my most terrifying opponent yet. A GIANT ROBOT-GORILLA! Now, I am "no longer allowed at Chuck-e-Cheese."11:12 AM Jan 28thfrom twhirl
Colin didn't realize it, but his friends always called him "Captain Hairy Teeth" behind his back, on account of his hairy teeth.8:27 AM Jan 28thfrom twhirl
At the end of a hard day, I like to come home and obliterate about 35 concrete blocks with an awesome palm strike. That's my "me" time.2:13 PM Jan 26thfrom web
As the psychopath clown murdered my family in front of me, I could only think "Ugh, I sure hate Mondays!"1:58 PM Jan 26thfrom twhirl
If Hollywood thinks America wants to see a series of movies about a Chinese detective and a sassy black cop miscommunicating, they are RIGHT12:32 PM Jan 21stfrom twhirl
I have a dream: that someday, all pants will be made of spaghetti, and that the international language of "love" will replace English.12:15 PM Jan 19thfrom web
Maybe being a cat burglar is not for me. Apparently, cats aren't worth as much as they used to be, and diamonds are much quieter to steal.12:05 PM Jan 14thfrom web
My roommate always got chicks because he had one eye. He also had one horn, flew, was purple, and ate people. Ah, Monster University!9:12 PM Jan 11thfrom web
People probably wouldn't keep dogs if they had little weird monkeys clinging to their bellies, eating debris, like Remoras do on sharks.9:07 PM Jan 11thfrom web
