topherchris
- I'm the top hit on Google for jizzowatts.about 5 hours ago from Tweetie
- Whoa I fell asleep. I fucking kill Fridays.5:43 PM Nov 6th from Tweetie
- If I was a chick, I'd say "I wanna melt that down and douche with it" probably too much.9:03 PM Nov 5th from Tweetie
- @ I'd like to swim in a pool of it.8:33 PM Nov 5th from Tweetie in reply to Nudawn
- I try not to be too emotional, but if another girl breaks my heart today I may start listening to Trans-Siberian Orchestra full time.8:07 PM Nov 5th from Tweetie
- Who the fuck subscribed me to the Pottery Barn mailing list?
(Thank you. It's awesome.)8:04 PM Nov 5th from Tweetie
- Please stop emailing me asking for David Karp's email address. He won't give it to me either.1:54 PM Nov 4th from Tweetie
- @ Burlap.9:04 AM Nov 1st from Tweetie in reply to ohryankelley
- Take it from me, I'm an internet professional: Bags of dicks = Hilarious in theory but utterly repulsive in practice.8:48 AM Nov 1st from Tweetie
- Sorry hobo, I can't spare any change. I joined the Homelessness cause on Facebook.8:33 AM Nov 1st from Tweetie
- Right now it's a tossup between "Oh God, you're so big!" and "Are you on fucking crack?"8:32 AM Nov 1st from Tweetie
- I'm planning what phrase to scream at my upstairs neighbor next time he's too loud so I don't use something dumb in the heat of the moment.8:30 AM Nov 1st from Tweetie
- I just want a girl to wear Supergirl underoos to bed every few nights. Is that really asking so much?11:16 PM Oct 31st from Tweetie
- Do you think Furries resent Halloween? They should be like "Fuuuuck, we do this every goddamn weekend, posers!"7:53 PM Oct 31st from Tweetie
- Debate on the moral implications of slutty Halloween costumes would be a lot more exciting if the parties involved were all dressed slutty.5:08 PM Oct 31st from Tweetie
- According to the laws of physics, it's possible for every object in the universe to cast a shadow that looks like a penis.7:01 AM Oct 31st from Tweetie
- Wanna have your mind blown?
It's totally redundant for Gary Busey to dress up as anything for Halloween.6:34 PM Oct 30th from Tweetie
- @ That's impossible to answer, as he doesn't exist anymore.6:11 PM Oct 30th from Tweetie in reply to 6h057
- I just blocked somebody on Tumblr for the first time ever. It felt good. Granted, changing their avatar to a bag of dicks felt better.6:05 PM Oct 30th from Tweetie
- Financial PROTIP: Advil Cold & Sinus is, on average, cheaper and more potent than alcoholic beverages.6:00 PM Oct 30th from Tweetie
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