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tj

  1. @liabolicious I'm not sure I can reach you from here…Iowa's pretty far away. I'll check with my cousins in the heartland… look out for corn.
  2. @Yardboy Happy Fun Ball may stick to certain kinds of skin.
  3. I hate all the actors in the commercial for my new medication. What happened to the Bouncy Ball of Emotion? He was cute! Bring Back Bouncy!!
  4. @abwineman that sounds like one of those words I'm gonna Google and then later regret having learned…
  5. Once again, Dear Neighbors, thanks for letting your backyard-bred dogs bark all afternoon. Really lovely addition to the day. You fuck wad.
  6. The only thing more difficult to accomplish than Middle East peace is getting a 7 year old to throw a frisbee in the right direction.
  7. Mike Rowe did a segment on the proper care of camel toes. It's a dirty job but someone's gotta do it. 
  8. "Funniest guy on all of the Comedy Central Roasts" is roughly equivalent to being the guy in the leper colony with most skin…
  9. Don't forget to turn your clocks back!
  10. Dear USA Network: You probably want to avoid the Halls Refresh "mom & son's roommate share a sensual breath mint" ad during Law & Order: SVU
  11. When I donate $100 to PBS I get a tote bag, so I fully expect that the $100 I gave to Obama's campaign means I get to chair a Death Panel.
  12. What's it called when you burp so loudly, chunkily, and disgustingly that you gross yourself out?
  13. @hotdogsladies time to take out your wallet…
  14. @abigvictory @sandwichpolice you could change your license plate to "IANAL"… oh wait, I think that's something else…
  15. @biorhythmist just because you don't agree with the lifestyle doesn't mean you should start labeling people. Hater.
  16. "That looks like Castle!" — The Boy, on seeing @NathanFillion in _Firefly_. This is a big day in his life.
  17. The only thing worse than watching Dane Cook perform is hearing the audience applaud like well trained, if obviously deranged, sea monkeys.
  18. I may or may not have referred to my wireless headphones as "marital device" while talking to a woman I've known for less than an hour.
  19. Speaking of @Hodgman: if you have not yet acquired the AUDIOBACK version of his book, you are really missing out.
  20. @the_dza I hear ya, brother… the answer is "blowin' in the wind" if ya know what I mean…