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timothygreen

  1. Shooting birdshot at a ghost. Ashy snow. Christmas dinner. Grandma's urn on the mantle.
  2. Up all night trying to find an outfit for senior picture day. Fall asleep and miss my 9:03 AM appt. Eat mashed potatoes with my bare hands.
  3. No cars, everyone bicycles everywhere. Cops and criminals, cameramen trailing the chase. Laurel Canyon is a bitch, deadly up and down.
  4. Aliens invade. We flee through a portal to the past, ancient Egypt. Must warn humanity to prepare a defense--but how? Hieroglyphics.
  5. Our neighbor the rapper gives us a housewarming gift, a contraption he calls a seXbox - all gears and winches - how the hell does it work?
  6. John Stewart's kid is kidnapped. Give him a consoling lasagna lined with funny papers. Ride home on my father's Harley, leaking oil.
  7. Build a dog house out of books I don't like. Dog don't like them either, but they keep him dry.
  8. So thirsty I pawn-swap my samurai sword for a six-pack of Gatorade. "Anything that can slice through your fat neck's gotta be worth $15."
  9. Big bird in full plume, center stage. Krapp's Last Tape.
  10. My new Cadillac morphs into a motorcycle, then a scouter, then a handcar on a rail line you refuse to help pump.
  11. Rundown bowling lane 3 feet off the ground like it's skee-ball. Cracks in the wood, hills and troughs, dead spots. Frustrates my game.
  12. Small town festival in our honor - the prodigal son returns to perform, but I forgot my magic guitar, can't remember two chords.
  13. Rent a room at the A-maize-ing Corn Palace in Souix Falls, SD. The walls are thick, but you can walk right through them.
  14. Big dog dying seeks shade. Finds a ditch to lie in. We have to leave him be.
  15. The wheels fall off our coaster car halfway up a hill. We're forced to walk it out; monkey-bar the corkscrews, hedgehog the loopty-loops.
  16. At the end of an Allman Bros reunion show, Steve Miller shoots out the lights, hits a kid hanging from a chandelier. "Lucky shot!" you yell.
  17. The neighbors ritually bathe their baby in radio waves. Choose random passages from books for it to live by. Should we call the police?
  18. I tell Jeter, "Just get on base and I'll hit you in," tying run, but he K's to end the game, for some reason we're playing on a golf course.
  19. On the way to Halloween, Megan the Snow Fairy introduces me to the decaying skeleton she cheated on me with three years before we met.
  20. Zombie spiders inherit the house we moved from. Can't kill'em; try to crush'em and still they twitch. More comedy than horror.