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timothygreen

  1. Molly Peacock describes growing up on a ship--jogging laps on the deck, communicating by carrier pigeon, "Dry land pushing off without me."
  2. Woke up late for a reading five hours away; left a box of books outside swimming in the rain. Megan buys a piano the size of an 18-wheeler.
  3. Fleeing hordes of zombies, I notice Jim Valvis's repair shop on a map. "That explains it!" But we head for the abandoned mansion instead.
  4. First date with a Christian girl, fishermen haul a 40-foot white shark out of the water; its sibling circles the pier we're walking on.
  5. Back in college, photolinguistics is a breeze, but the logistics of keeping the professor's candy bowl full prove problematic.
  6. Megan drives the stagecoach from St. Louis to Missoula on the shoulder of the freeway while I play a viola in the back.
  7. Memo from the coach: When I said "lunalight of Iraq" in the above paragraph, I meant simply "the sun." Please read instructions accordingly.
  8. Sneak out of school through a hole in the bathroom stall, play pickup basketball till midnight at a secret underground court.
  9. As I pay the bill at a fancy restaurant, I have them throw in a Coach bag for Megan's Christmas present. The waitress suggests I reconsider.
  10. Off the coast of Africa studying a family of bears who think they're seals, even though they can barely swim.
  11. Video-phone Karyna McGlynn to pick up her contributor copies. Her leg is broken. "Can't you see my leg is broken?? Obviously I can't read!"
  12. Snow-fog on a tarmac. Subway to the city. Long walk home.
  13. Apply for a part-time clerical job, but really it's Bob Bigalow, wanting my help with his space program. 2 years to achieve orbital velocity
  14. I have magic hugs. "You do not have magic hugs, everyone can snuggle for warmth!" Oh...really?
  15. New law makes all cars communal. No keys or locks allowed. Chuck starts sleeping in his Corvette, "But he has to be sometime, right?"
  16. To keep him healthy, Tom keeps his fantasy football QB locked in a cage. "But it's a double-edged sword, since he also can't practice."
  17. Hail a cab John Lithgow's driving. On the way to the airport rear-ends a Buick, then trades his stethoscope for the other driver's silence.
  18. Lost a finger to the garden shears. Spent two days wandering LA looking for a doctor, stopping at 7-Elevens to refill the baggie with ice.
  19. (Oh yeah) Burglars scheme after Megan's baked goods, steal a bag full of cookies. We install a security system. Town cop is impressed.
  20. Delivering my grandmother's elegy live on the radio, I figure I'll ad-lib an introduction then phone in the rest. No one cares when I flop.