therobotarmy
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My girlfriend wanted to know if I was interested in some morning sex. Half way through I realized that I don't have a girlfriend.
6:22 AM Dec 6th
from web
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Pro-tip: When kidnapping the neighbor's chihuahua, wear a fake mustache so they don't know it's you.
"Some crazy guy with a mustache..."
3:37 PM Dec 5th
from web
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Great. The neighbor's house totally burned to the ground. NOW what am I going to do for fun? I wonder if I still have those Legos...
11:43 AM Dec 5th
from web
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Let's make a deal. I'll stop setting your house on fire if you make your dog stop barking.
8:21 AM Dec 5th
from web
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On a related note, I am way too drunk to be deleting and responding to emails.
5:02 PM Dec 3rd
from web
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There's some hairy guy in my house. He smells really bad and keeps eating all my Cheetos. HEY. GET OUT OF MY HOUSE. I call him Mirror Guy.
4:59 PM Dec 3rd
from web
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Consequently, there are 3 ways to wake up after drinking all night: Sad, incredibly sad, and not. I'm choosing the 3rd option today.
5:08 AM Dec 3rd
from web
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There are 3 ways to get drunk: Alone, with someone, and alone with someone. I chose the 3rd option last night.
5:07 AM Dec 3rd
from web
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9 shots of hooch later, and you still look like a whore. A cute whore. A whore that MIGHT want to go home with me. And not charge me.
7:59 PM Nov 30th
from web
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Getting started on my resolution list early this year:
1. More sex.
2. More drinking.
3. More punching.
4. Less stupid people in my life.
7:58 AM Nov 26th
from web
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When did Subway start putting oral sex and old people in their sandwiches? I'm not going back again, or at least until black friday.
10:19 AM Nov 25th
from web
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Oh, and I just discovered @. He's funny as hell. The rest of you should take notes.
3:57 PM Nov 21st
from web
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Anyone else see that show last night where someone is murdered & a team of science cops try to figure how who using forensic evidence?
3:56 PM Nov 21st
from web
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I need to make a correction to something I said yesterday. When I said "douche" when referring to a coworker, I meant "dick." Thanks.
11:31 AM Nov 21st
from web
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Anytime some douche brings his children into the office, I always feel the need to blast profanity laden songs the moment they leave.
10:47 AM Nov 20th
from web
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Can someone please tell me why a Brittany Spears song is stuck in my pants?
5:16 PM Nov 19th
from web
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YES! Just got my tickets to the midnight showing of New Moon! Oops, wrong windo
3:56 PM Nov 18th
from web
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@ That sounds good. Let's make oOH, it was a rhetorical question? Like, "Who wants candy?" I get it.
3:54 PM Nov 18th
from web
in reply to JustRegularBez
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This tweet is totally being sent through autotune, SHORTY.
3:51 PM Nov 18th
from web
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Man, I really wish some of you would stop being so douchey.
If you don't know what I'm talking about, I'm probably talking to you.
12:30 PM Nov 18th
from web
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- Name 1000's of robots
- Location Canada, or Sweden.
- Web http://favstar.fm...
- Bio I'm not dangerous, i'm just 1000's of robots. Dangerous robots.
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