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TheOpie

  1. #SuckadickSundays @aplusk @britneyspears @marthastewart @50cent @aubreyoday @ashleytisdale @williamshatner @aplusk (via @AndyMilonakis)
  2. I've been offered a position as a social media evangelist. If I remove my heart and amputate my soul will you friend me on Facebook?
  3. Karl Malden is dead. If Artie Lange bites it by the end of the year, my dead pool will be complete. That's $100K. Get back on the H Artie!
  4. OH outside Minneosta Supreme Court: "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and dog-gone it, people like me."
  5. Ok, I figured out what to do with the dynamite, but I need access to a lot of heat-dispersing silcon gel and 150lbs of flour tortillas.
  6. I bought a gross of dynamite from an old farmer up by Fergus Falls. The 4th of July is going to be blast this year, literally. Cow blasting?
  7. Today I'm venturing off into the woods with my dog, a knife, a red bandana and Infinte Jest. #goingnative #infsum
  8. So I got to use Windows Mobile for the first time yesterday. Apple is in so much . . . ha ha ha ha, fuck it can't even finish the joke.
  9. My keyboard faces 180º S as I type this. My accountant is a little peeved that this information cost me $312 with tax.
  10. Oh. Damn. I went to the Apple Store.
  11. Must stay away from the Apple Store, must stay away from the Apple Store. If I repeat this 10000 times it might just work.
  12. #lyt #sinman #squarespace -- two birds, one tweet
  13. Now that's a browser, spectacular tits with perfect kitten placement! http://bit.ly/wM3Po
  14. So I was looking at the iPhone site on Apple.com debating whether to buy and I thought its got stupendous tits, perfect nipple placement.
  15. After watching the new Friday 13th last night, I'll be working "you have stupendous tits, perfect nipple placement" into every conversation.
  16. Overheard: "Just say you want some coffee, I know what you mean." "So when I want some weed I just call up and say coffee?" "Right." #subtle
  17. You've got terminal cancer? Sure you can join the band. You've heard of Satan before...right?
  18. Don't inhale smoke from outlawed weeds and look at Pau Gasol for long periods of time, you'll question humanity's current course. #mutant
  19. "It's brand building people, look it up, I'm building a brand here! God Damn It!" Then the SEO expert put the gun to his head, "fucking Goo-
  20. Marketing called me in today to explain Twitter to them since I now have 2K+ posts. I showed them how to write bad 140 character dick jokes.