The Onion

The Onion

@TheOnion New York, NY
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The Onion
If you have wide hips, cover your imperfections with a gigantic tarp
 
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The Onion
Iran Worried U.S. Might Be Building 8,500th Nuclear Weapon
 
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The Onion
Increasing Number Of Educators Found To Be Suffering From Teaching Disabilities : No Child Left Behind
 
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The Onion
Wearing green shirts on Thursdays lets all your classmates know that you are a homosexual
 
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The Onion
Biography Says Einstein Devised Theory Of Relativity On Paper Because He Wasn't Smart Enough To Invent Microsoft Word
 
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The Onion
Never wear glasses on a date; your potential mate will think you are undesirably smart
 
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The Onion
Department Of Education Study Finds Teaching These Little Shits No Longer Worth It : No Child Left Behind
 
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The Onion
Spanking Doesn't Work | "Locking them in the basement is no way to go, either." ?
 
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The Onion
Eat bath salts to make your innards smell pretty
 
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The Onion
Pants should be "cuffed," or rolled, at least six inches above the ankle
 
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The Onion
Remember: Distressed and/or acid-washed denim never goes out of style
 
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The Onion
As begins, here are a few tips from the experts to help keep you in style:
 
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The Onion
"We could see instances of race-based bigotry skyrocket to more than 15." – sociologist Tara Montgomery
 
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The Onion
Alarming Study Finds More Than 12 Instances Of Racism Occurred Last Year
 
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The Onion
[audio] Junior Building Inspector Closes Down Area Tree House
 
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The Onion
[TV Listings] Cryojennifer finds that the only way out of her mess is to go into deep freeze until everyone's dead.
 
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The Onion
[Letters] Dear The Onion, Where are scientists at on cloning? Since the sheep it seems like there’s been nothing.
 
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The Onion
Watching Obama deal with the economy and multiple wars has left the country with pronounced wrinkles and grayer hair.
 
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The Onion
Study Reveals Majority Of Suicides Occur While Trying To Put Fitted Sheet On Bed
 
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The Onion
NEWSWIRE: Area Woman Becomes Nation's First Grandma Courtney