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theduty

  1. whats wrong with me. I just scaled a tree to get a view of my elderly neighbor man take a sudsy bath. ...god, I'm turning into my father.
  2. nothing spices up a drowning suicide like a professional quality Aqua Man costume. HA! ...just sad I won't see the look on their faces.
  3. complained i never get any praise, so she told me i could have the "not the worst in bed" award. ...sucks she made me share it with my dad.
  4. so he asked me where babies come from & I told him the stork brought them...then he asked where storks come from & I can't babysit anymore.
  5. fine. I'll admit it. i DO fantasize when we're having sex, but it's always you. just REALLLY fat. ...and in clown make-up. STOP CRYING!
  6. this Amish wedding reception may be the 1st of my life that won't feature The Electric Slide. oh no, not that! they just think it blows.
  7. well, who am i to argue, you're the dentist. ...guess I just didn't realize you guys also did full body cavity searches. please, carry on.
  8. I'm the best at playing "the airplane game" with babies because if you do it just right it suddenly turns into "the ambulance game." WoOo!
  9. I've felt amazing all day, but people keep telling me I look terrible. realizing now they are just getting away with calling me a vagina.
  10. OK GUYS! BOSS IS GONE! QUICK! everyone hold hands around the water cooler & pray as hard as you can for Jesus to get this party STARTEDDD!
  11. sure, call him crazy if you want, but this hobo outside of the OBGYNs pointing at stomachs & yelling "yo mama so fat" jokes is KILLING IT!!
  12. I took the job as Confidence Coach at the neighborhood Stutterer's Anonymous. you should see these guys light up doing Poker Face karaoke.
  13. "stick it in before they come" is a hilarious "that's what she said" until it's the last words of an assisted suicide. ...miss you momma.
  14. pardon me, my good man. would you mind steering me towards your "Amish Only" section. ...I've got a bit of butter that needs a churnin'.
  15. frankly, fellas, I don't get it. YOU agree to come & paint in my kitchen, YOU'RE 3 hour late, & now YOU'RE angry that I'm already nude?!?!
  16. eyeballing the yard festooned with the leaves brought on by Fall's arrival, i chuckle to myself at the crunchy failed ninja's attacks ahead.
  17. I understand it is a sizable loan, sir, but I'm certain you see the huge profit potential of the "Wetdreamcatcher®." wait...COME BACK!
  18. yeah, i had fun, I mean everyone loved my drunk driver costume except this one asshole dressed as a cop. sooo mom, can you bail me out?
  19. unbeknownst to me, the 5 second rule apparently DOES apply to dropped babies. great. now what am I gonna do with this useless thing?
  20. this McDonald's has The Doobie Brothers' Greatest Hits on repeat. ...how delightfully redundant.