theduty
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this guy in the bathroom is offering me a $100 to snort coke off my dong.
...and to think, I had no idea I had family in Ohio.
REUNION!!!
about 5 hours ago
from Birdhouse
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i can't wait to get this time machine finished, then go & teach 8th-grade-me to kiss without getting boners.
also...check for Adams apples.
about 12 hours ago
from Birdhouse
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walked in on the 5 year old stabbing the dog with a G.I. Joe.
...I gave him a $100 bill, because I punish misbehavior & award obedience.
about 17 hours ago
from Birdhouse
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waiting for the lady at a Victoria's Secret isn't bad, so long as other guys are there to honestly judge this fashion show I'm putting on.
11:21 AM Nov 23rd
from Birdhouse
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you: black girl at Denny's pounding pancakes.
me: white guy in vanilla FUBU valour jumper w/ the Moons Over My Hammy.
...dutytime@aol.com
8:34 AM Nov 23rd
from Birdhouse
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"it's ok, we don't have to make love, baby, we can just snuggle."
...this is officially the last time I fall asleep at the airport bar.
9:56 AM Nov 21st
from Birdhouse
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"always brush after every meal, sweetheart. oh, and call your mother."
...man, this Ouija board just isn't the same since grandma died.
4:05 PM Nov 20th
from Birdhouse
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gaw, such bullshit.
...found a Valentine's coupon from an ex, "good for 1 free blowjob" & this lady at Wal-Mart says it doesn't work here.
9:59 AM Nov 20th
from Birdhouse
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explained i was plucking her hair while she slept to clone her & fufill my dream of a threesome WITHOUT cheating.
yeah, i'm single again.
4:08 PM Nov 19th
from Birdhouse
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the school board frowns upon faculty placing notes about "how sexy they are" on student's desks & making them read it aloud.
JEALOUS MUCH?!
8:13 AM Nov 19th
from Birdhouse
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so, let me get this straight, if I don't remember her name, it's not technically cheating right?
wait, IT IS?!
oh.
...um, nevermind.
4:23 PM Nov 18th
from Birdhouse
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my best childhood memory?
spelling bee.
"pickles."
"pickles."
"I W-I-L-L M-U-R-D-E-R Y-O-U-R F-A-M-I-L-Y."
"pickles."
5 year champion.
8:17 AM Nov 18th
from Birdhouse
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"JENKIN'S WIFE THAT I SECRETLY FINGERED IN THE BATHROOM AT LAST YEAR'S CHRISTMAS PARTY?!"
...with that i was banned from office charades.
4:04 PM Nov 17th
from Birdhouse
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another lunch with my vegan friends who will, no doubt, watch me eat & call me "murderer."
god, I only killed TWO men...time to let it go!
9:52 AM Nov 17th
from Birdhouse
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SUCCESS!
...4 long years of research complete & soon the world will know that yes, indeed, toddlers CAN get addicted to black tar heroin.
5:58 PM Nov 16th
from Birdhouse
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my nephew just screamed that there were monsters under his bed.
...thats exactly why he's sleeping in the room that locks from the outside.
5:03 PM Nov 14th
from Birdhouse
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...and after a 2 hour story as to why she was a cannibal in college, I finally noticed her wedding ring.
god, why does this always happen.
8:19 AM Nov 14th
from Birdhouse
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NO!
it's not you, it's me.
...look I've tried, but I just can't love a snaggletoothed ugly woman with no sense of humor.
you understand.
4:35 PM Nov 13th
from Birdhouse
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i learned long ago to imagine the audience naked during public speaking, but never what to do with this boner or saying this into the mic.
9:11 AM Nov 13th
from Birdhouse
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whats wrong with me. I just scaled a tree to get a view of my elderly neighbor man take a sudsy bath.
...god, I'm turning into my father.
4:42 PM Nov 12th
from Birdhouse
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- Name duty
- Location Oklahoma City, OK (35.594458,-
- Web http://theduty.tu...
- Bio certified bullshit technician. ...please direct all additional queries to @crackbarbie.
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