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thedayhascome

  1. I'm so fat, I feel like a KFC chicken buckling under its own weight. about 6 hours ago from Birdhouse
  2. Apparently, I don't know how to fold a towel or please a woman. about 8 hours ago from Birdhouse
  3. I like my coffee how I like your mom. In the morning. 7:06 AM Nov 21st from web
  4. The women's restroom attendant always screams at me and never offers a hand towel or even a Black & Mild. 5:40 PM Nov 20th from web
  5. It's amazing how no sleep and a handful of pills I found locked inside of a hospital medication cart can make you feel. 6:26 AM Nov 18th from Birdhouse
  6. Thanks for the kind words, everyone. Lucy is doing a little better now in the intensive care unit. I'm counting my grey hairs. 6:08 PM Nov 17th from Tweetie
  7. Lucy scared us earlier. She stopped breathing and was in respiratory distress. Had an ambulance ride to the hospital. Currently in the ER. 1:10 PM Nov 17th from Tweetie
  8. To celebrate the Leonid Meteor Shower, I'm going streaking. 9:07 AM Nov 17th from web
  9. Too cold to take the baby for a walk, so I put her on the treadmill instead and boy she was really keeping up there for a while. 4:22 PM Nov 16th from Birdhouse
  10. CNN may have paid Lou Dobbs $8 million to leave the network, but look at all the money they'll save on makeup. 12:59 PM Nov 16th from web
  11. I just Chris Brown'd that sandwich. 11:19 AM Nov 16th from web
  12. If continually late for work was a basic skillset required for my position, I would be the model employee. 7:48 AM Nov 16th from web
  13. I've heard you can dip a nipple in whiskey to soothe a colicky baby. Mine's pretty hairy, but it's worth a shot. 4:16 PM Nov 15th from web
  14. Stuck shopping with my wife at Bed Bath & Beyond on a Friday night and customer needs assistance with a sharp knife. 5:44 PM Nov 13th from Birdhouse
  15. Freudian slip. I wanted to say, "Sure, I can work past 5 on a Friday." But instead I said, "You have completely ruined my life." 11:24 AM Nov 13th from web
  16. It's Casual Friday the 13th, but this hockey mask is a tad bit uncomfortable. 8:39 AM Nov 13th from web
  17. You strike me as the type of person who listens to Kenny G Christmas music all year long. 7:03 AM Nov 13th from web
  18. I don't care what my wife says, that was probably the most amazing 15 seconds of her life. 4:35 PM Nov 12th from Birdhouse
  19. It's all fun and games until a family member finds your twitter account. 12:36 PM Nov 12th from web
  20. I haven't shaved in two weeks. I call this growing stage my staff meeting protest beard. 8:05 AM Nov 11th from web