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thedayhascome

  1. My wife plays a mean passive-aggressive sad trombone after sex.
  2. Feeding a hungry baby is like inviting a rabid badger to sit on your lap.
  3. Up shit creek without a paddle? You should be more concerned you're floating in a river of poop. Eewie.
  4. It's amazing that I can bong an entire bottle of vodka like nobody's business and still find time to spend one night a week with my family.
  5. I think the diaper I made of aluminum foil is starting to give the baby a rash.
  6. Sorry kid, it was either a six-pack of Natty Ice or diapers, so you have to make the one you're wearing last another week.
  7. Don't you hate it when you're in public and you start lactating!? OMG like so embarrassing, I know.
  8. The cop wouldn't let me finish drinking my beer with the breathalyzer straw. I tried not to cry about it BUT I GET EMOTIONAL WHEN I DRINK.
  9. I just got a 100 on my IQ test! Perfect score LOLZ! Now, who wants to do some whip-its?
  10. Love works in mysterious ways, because the Denny's waitress I chloroformed has mysteriously escaped from the trunk of my car.
  11. Do they make a shoehorn for pants? I think my belt just screamed.
  12. Today's forecast predicts water to fall from the sky and for drivers to completely lose their minds.
  13. The Shih Tzu Massage I had was awful. Having a pissed off dog rubbed all over my naked body was far from relaxing.
  14. Some of the best educated Hooters waitresses come from the school of hard knockers.
  15. @kellydeal Just say N2O.
  16. To increase my productivity, I'm taking a short break every hour from browsing the internet to do work.
  17. I'm calling to see if you received the email I sent you 30 seconds ago, because you haven't replied yet. I'll just come down to your office.
  18. There's nothing more precious than the sound of a child sleeping unconsciously.
  19. I would enjoy running more if it didn't involve standing, moving my legs or being sober.
  20. You take the time to hide in someone's closet to photograph them sleeping and they still refuse to accept a Facebook relationship request.