the_moron
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If CNN's Anderson Cooper ever decides to become a magician or a wizard, I hope he doesn't cover up that great head of hair with a silly hat.
1:53 PM Oct 10th
from Tweetie
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Sometimes I yell out "How can you be sure?" at strangers after they pass by in case they posited something to me without me hearing it.
10:02 AM Oct 2nd
from web
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I think a good euphemism for taking a nap would be "carping the folly." Or maybe "sleeping, but only for a little while."
8:31 AM Oct 2nd
from Tweetie
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My Mom called me "Big Man" when I was a kid. "BM" for short. She'd proudly say "That's my BM" while pointing in my direction. Others laughed
9:22 AM Sep 30th
from Tweetie
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Call me crazy, but sometimes I kinda wish I had mechanical arms & legs and that my head was made of plastic and filled with warm kool-aid.
4:00 PM Aug 28th
from Tweetie
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My last tweet was a private declaration to The Lord. Please don't have read it.
7:55 AM Jul 29th
from Tweetie
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My God, it's hot outside today.
7:54 AM Jul 29th
from Tweetie
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Apparently the term is "fist bump" not ""fist me."
7:51 AM Jul 22nd
from Tweetie
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I asked CNN's Anderson Cooper to fist me on the subway earlier. He laughed nervously & repeatedly insisted he wasn't CNN's Anderson Cooper.
7:51 AM Jul 22nd
from Tweetie
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After I was born, when his friends asked him to describe me, all my father would say is, "I am not a fan."
7:19 AM Jul 22nd
from Tweetie
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I hope Lionel Richie dies soon. I really like his music, but I can't enjoy it in an un-ironic way until he's dead. Them's the rules.
4:35 PM Jul 2nd
from Tweetie
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Today is devout Baptist day. I'll probably throw in a made-up religion after that as a wild card. Maybe something involving peanut brittle.
8:52 AM Jun 30th
from Tweetie
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I pick a different religion each day & hope that the world ends on the day when I picked the right one. roulette
8:43 AM Jun 30th
from Tweetie
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If you're stark, you're either naked or raving mad. Why not "stark tired" or "stark trying to make objects move through willpower alone?"
4:08 PM Jun 25th
from web
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RT @ Hef actually died six years ago. We've been using wax prop we cart around to keep the illusion alive.
11:23 AM Jun 18th
from web
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My father was a pickle farmer. I'm not sure what kind of farmer that is since we lived in the city & he worked at a bar named Chaps.
11:18 AM Jun 18th
from web
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I think I'd look less crazy if someone talked to myself for me.
11:54 AM Jun 10th
from web
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As of yet, I've narrated my own life. But people tend to think I'm just talking to myself.
11:54 AM Jun 10th
from web
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I'm looking for someone to follow me around all day and narrate my life. Applicants should be droll and generally irritated. Pays well.
11:50 AM Jun 10th
from web
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At least I think it's Hellraiser. Isn't that the one with Sally Field, Dolly Parton and Shirley MacLaine? Either way it's fucking terrifying
2:06 PM Jun 5th
from web
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