stlewis75
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I just figured out what the purpose of life is, but I'm not going to tell you, because I don't want you eating it before I get there.
11:29 PM Nov 24th
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It's hard to tell a loved one that you're dying, but if you don't, they'll just keep calling and asking for your help, and that's worse.
10:19 PM Nov 22nd
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Did you know that you can melt a pumkin? Did you also know that a road flare is considerably brighter than a candle? Now I know both things.
3:07 PM Oct 29th
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Did you know you can make french fries out of butternut squash? Did you know that I'd rather die young and fat than eat fake, squash fries?
4:39 PM Oct 22nd
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Can a person excel at "not over-thinking," because I feel like I do that.
8:33 PM Sep 24th
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Sometimes jay-walking becomes jay-running, so don't even try it if "walking" is the speed limit that nature and Twinkies have set for you.
9:48 PM Sep 18th
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I think I came up with the idea for sushi... I've been not cooking fish almost constantly since before I was even born.
9:43 PM Sep 18th
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The neighbor kids don't need me constantly telling them what huge failures they are, especially when a sign can say the same thing.
9:39 PM Sep 16th
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The next person who uses the word "staycation" gets a punch in the head from me. This is a standing offer until everyone is dead.
10:57 PM Sep 4th
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Once in a great while, you come across a quote that inspires you and changes your life. The rest of the time, you don't.
8:24 PM Sep 2nd
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If I don't go play laser tag right now, then the terrorists win. (That's who we're playing... the terrorists).
3:56 PM Aug 19th
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Is it considered "fun" to avoid being attacked by bears, mountain lions, and neighborhood dogs? If so, I love running for fun.
9:22 AM Aug 13th
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Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Give a man a dolphin and... he's not going to eat that too, is he?
3:25 PM Aug 12th
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For dinner I ordered shark legs, but the waitress said they didn't have any. I told her I would wait.
7:42 PM Aug 5th
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My niece saw me standing by the swing set and asked me if I would push her. When I did, she fell over backward and cried. Kids are weird.
9:41 PM Jul 24th
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It looks like I have some time to kill, but instead of doing that I'll probably just watch TV and save the killing for another day.
9:38 PM Jul 22nd
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If I could eliminate one disease from the planet, first I would do some other stuff, because apparently I have great power or a free wish.
7:49 AM Jul 21st
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I wonder what birds are saying to each other, and I wonder if they’d be more concise if they knew how annoying their conversation is.
7:42 AM Jul 9th
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Why am I so tired all the time? I think it's mostly to get out of having to do stuff, because "I'm tired" sounds better than "I'm lazy."
9:42 PM Jul 8th
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When I heard there are 23,000 polar bears left in the world, I thought, "You have more time and a better version of Google Earth than I do."
7:05 PM Jul 6th
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