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  1. The Mets have retained coaches Howard Johnson, Dan Warthen, and Randy Niemann. After all, why mess with perfection?
  2. Brady Quinn is dating gymnast Alicia Sacramone. They're matched, since neither one of them has won anything since 2008.
  3. The Cards haven't introduced Mark McGwire as their hitting coach. They'd like to, but he's too big to fit through the door.
  4. The New Jersey Nets are now 0-14. The Nets are so bad they've replaced their official logo with a white flag.
  5. Ron Artest thinks free agents are scared of New York's glare. We think everyone else is scared of Ron Artest's glare.
  6. Rams QB Marc Bulger may be unable to play next week. Fortunately that's never prevented him from taking the field before.
  7. Notre Dame QB Jimmy Clausen was punched in the face outside of a campus bar. It's the softest he's been hit all season.
  8. Gary Sheffield believes he can hit 40 homeruns next season. Because next year, he gets to face Mets pitching.
  9. The $220 million Pontiac Silverdome was sold for just $583,000. So yeah, Michigan is doing fine.
  10. Chad Ochocinco is coming out with his own condoms. Jeremy Shockey should do the same, since he can't catch anything.
  11. The Mets might acquire Ben Sheets. He hasn't pitched professionally in a year, just like the rest of their staff.
  12. Giants LB Antonio Pierce is out indefinitely with a strained neck. He injured himself looking up at the standings.
  13. Retired NBA star Jayson Williams agreed to a plea deal that would send him to prison for 3 years. Or the Nets for two.
  14. Northeastern has decided to drop its football program. Sadly, the Cleveland Browns have decided to keep theirs.
  15. Major League Soccer is on the verge of creating a 20th franchise. And a 19th fan.
  16. Scientists said disabled sprinter Oscar Pistorius has an advantage over fellow runners. In finding a decent parking spot.
  17. The Knicks will not sign Allen Iverson. Which is probably what it feels like to be rejected from community college.
  18. Mike D'Antoni referred to his Knicks as being "dead in the water." New Yorkers have been advised not to drink their water.
  19. Coach Mike Holmgren says he has interest in joining the 1-9 Browns. That's good news: they could use him on defense.
  20. The New Jersey Nets claim that coach Lawrence Frank's job is safe. It wouldn't be if his players were guarding it.