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smashedpotatoes

  1. Finding out if this plant is real exacty how I find out if a pair of breasts is real: squeezing and looking for a scar near the armpit.
  2. @Jewles In my head. *sigh*
  3. Can't help but feel like I have a hair on my tongue. Which is weird because I just shaved.
  4. God, he's funny. No, wait. Hot. Definitely HOT. His beautiful face disoriented me.
  5. Is this dry skin or dry boogers?
  6. I don't know where to keep this extra vicodin pill so I'll just put it with this vodka. In my stomach.
  7. Adam Lamberts So You Think You Can French
  8. One hand washes the other. Except when I'm masturbating.
  9. Couple who donated the X-Mas tree to be placed in Daley center are former Chicagoans who moved to suburbs. That's right *to* the suburbs.
  10. RT @ItsTheStepster: #ThanksgivingEuphamisms @smashedpotatoes
  11. "Hey bob what's wrong?" "Oh, my doctors hand was up my ass." Guys, have you had your prostate exam yet?
  12. No time to shower. Pass the Purrell, please.
  13. Team Edward or Team Jacob? More like Team Hey Let's Go Watch Another Movie Instead.
  14. Team Edward or Team Jacob? More like Team What The Hell Are You Talking About?
  15. Team Edward or Team Jacob? More like Team Edward and Jacob Make Sweet Passionate Love.
  16. Team Edward or Team Jacob? More like Team I wish Twilight Fans Would Shut The Fuck Up.
  17. When I grow up I want to be just like Maria Bamford.
  18. Which one was David Archuleta? The little one, right?
  19. A Christmas Carol only made $12,000,000 this weekend; America agrees that it wasn't that great. The Flinstones version just can't be topped.
  20. @indecisiviously OMG. DO ME.