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sloganeerist

  1. When life hands you lemons, cram them in your pants to look like you have comically enormous testicles. Trust me. Lemonade = not funny.
  2. Another autumn, another 9 feet of property line forfeited to my neighbor. I should really buy a longer extension cord for this leaf blower.
  3. Ole Miss assfucking UT is like Rush Limbaugh kicking Bill O'Reilly's ass. Great, but I wish somebody'd just open fire on the whole thing.
  4. Listen up, couple things: DON'T order The Serpent and the Rainbow Roll at Bluefin sushi bar. Also, DON'T let them bury me. I'm not dead.
  5. As God is my witness, I thought ducks could drink unlimited Kahlua.
  6. Focus Groups. Arming you with the selective evidence you need to loosely support the same biased opinion you walked in with. But costlier.™
  7. My dad can beat up your dad. At weed smoking.
  8. Whoa, we have an XBox?!
  9. Doing my part and eating "green meat" to save the planet or whatever and I don't think this is right because God Jesus the pain call 911.
  10. Ever notice you never see Hall & Oates and Guns & Roses in the same place? Or in different places? Or any place? Or at all? I know. WEIRD.
  11. Yes, sweetie. It's a pretty drawing. Daddy's scotch looks almost real. ALMOST, HINT. Go on now. Go hang it by momma's ashes with the others.
  12. O, Haydn! Your scornful regard for stilly-paced tradition is rousing, but this insufferable woodwind partisanship is positively indecorous!
  13. Has anyone ever beaned an opposing manager? Cos a fastball in Girardi's ear would really send a message right now.
  14. Hey, Maine. You wanna see something destroy the sanctity of marriage? Stop by my bathroom on Burrito & Draft Beer Tuesday. Bring your bible.
  15. If there's one thing I can't stand it's a grammar Nazi. Do these people really believe Jews are the only ones who misuse apostrophes?
  16. Didn't buy candy this year, but those kids were so cute I couldn't resist opening the door. They'll know to break the Xanax in half, right?
  17. Refreshing to see a homegrown, league-minimum guy like Lee beat down Steinbrenner's bluebloods. What's that kid make? Six? Ten million?
  18. If your obsessive, crippling fears were entirely irrational, you'd be paranoid too.
  19. The NWA pilots that overshot Minneapolis now say they were on their laptops. Presumably waiting for your fucking Flash site to load.
  20. That first cup of coffee is always the best. So maybe tell your ingrateful baby to stop screaming and enjoy it. It's supposed to be hot DUR.