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It's surprising how gracious others in a cash register line can be when you arrive jumping up and down, hugging a 24-pack of toilet tissue.
10:15 PM Nov 25th
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It drives me crazy when I'm around people who refuse to take responsibility for their own actions. I think my parents are to blame for that.
6:48 AM Nov 25th
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I have this great idea for a motivational book -- but man, writing is SOOO much work.
8:13 AM Nov 12th
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Today I actually put tea in my coffee mug, because that's the wild, laugh-in-the-face-of-society, life-on-the-razor's-edge sort of guy I am.
6:32 AM Nov 11th
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Consider the lilies of the field; they neither labor nor spin. And, hey, if it's good enough for them...
3:35 AM Nov 3rd
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When it comes to religion, I tend to stay away from Pavlovianism. That guy really had some bizarre ideas about sal'vation.
9:53 PM Nov 1st
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Consider the lilies of the field; they neither labor nor spin. And, hey, if it's good enough for them...
1:01 PM Oct 30th
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Some people call me a space cowboy. Some call me the gangster of love. I think this year's Halloween costume still needs a little more work.
11:34 PM Oct 27th
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Those pheromone colognes are completely and utterly worthless. What REALLY attracts women is the scent of a girlfriend.
4:54 PM Oct 26th
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You know what's even better than singing in the rain? Just about everything.
4:57 AM Oct 24th
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I'm always careful about knowing the meanings of words I use, because I don't want to be labeled as anti-semantic.
8:49 PM Oct 22nd
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You know, every year about this time I come up against the same dietary dilemma: Do mallow-creme pumpkins count as fruit or vegetable?
1:57 PM Oct 20th
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My boss thought I needed a little clarification about "Casual Fridays" at the office: Khakis - okay; thong - not so much.
6:12 AM Oct 20th
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The best thing about the 140-character limit is that it sometimes keeps profanity-prone me from accidentally inserting unnecessary motherfu
7:26 AM Oct 16th
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They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well they're not laughing NOW!
7:01 AM Oct 12th
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I honestly thought that, if I ever got to be this old, that I'd be acting a lot more mature than I do.
6:47 AM Oct 5th
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"Cogito Eggo Sum" ~ "I think, therefore I am a waffle"
5:38 PM Sep 28th
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Yo, Candlejack, Ima let you finish bu
3:25 AM Sep 27th
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I'm going to be *rich* as soon as my perpetual calendar hits the marketplace, but the damn thing hasn't finished printing yet.
1:58 AM Sep 23rd
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Note to self: The next time a stranger offers you a bag of Fritos, it's worth your time to determine first whether or not he's a cannibal.
9:31 PM Sep 16th
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