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simanoff

  1. People shouldn't wear #overalls unless they're children or dressing up as #mario for Halloween. In #alabama, this is not common knowledge.
  2. Don't be fooled, people of #dothan. Cheeseburgers and pizza are not traditional #mexican specialities, despite what your restaurants say.
  3. Stranger talking to baby on plane: "Good girl. You're a good girl, aren't you?" Slight pause. "Oh, a good *boy*. Whatever."
  4. "Apt anal traitor" is an #anagram of "#atlanta #airport."
  5. And you shall love @heebmagazine with all your heart, all your soul, and all your might.
  6. Eating #twiglets in honor of Guy Fawkes Day.
  7. I will make my cats wear #kittenmittens so they don't disturb me whilst I eat my delicious #milksteak. #sunnyfx
  8. I must buy #kittenmittons — or is that #kittenmittens. That Charlie Kelley can't spell for shit. #sunnyfx
  9. I can't believe #tacobell is introducing the Chinchilla Bell Grande.
  10. I am waiting much too long in a line I don't want to be in for a sandwich I probably won't like anyway.
  11. Remember, remember the Fifth of Beethoven. #guyfawkes
  12. Remember, remember the fifth of November.
  13. Happy ending to the Cinderella story! #yankees were the ragtag underdog team that beat the odds to earn love and respect. #itscalledsarcasm
  14. RT @BorowitzReport: The creationist mayor of St Pete thinks the Earth is 6000 yrs old. There are people in St. Pete older than that.
  15. Cookie : cookie dough :: human : embryo? If so, my last snack makes me an abomination.
  16. Cookie : cookie dough :: human : embryo?
  17. Eating saltines and #oreos as I head to the dentist's office for a cleaning. I like to see people work for their money.
  18. I am utilizing knowledge and leveraging communities of excellence to design new frameworks for operational efficiency.
  19. Mom on Jon & Kate is clearly using kids for personal gain. Shouldn't kids be classified as income-producing assets and amortized?
  20. Product I hope I never need: #ex-lax . Product I hope no one ever invents: sex-lax.