shoesonwrong
- This might be the menstruation talking, but I'd blow Bart Simpson for a Butterfinger right now.about 2 hours ago from web
- This is going to go quick. Watch me for the changes and try to keep up: @tamewhale, @malackey, @tehawesome, and @reagank. #followfridayabout 9 hours ago from web
- Wow, it's like the words, "Be quiet, I'm watching TV and some shit's going down on The Creek," Mean nothing around here.6:18 PM Jul 6th from web
- "I hate my work pants. Two hooks, one zipper, and a button. They're harder to break into than Fort Cocks." My husband, ladies and gentlemen.1:25 PM Jul 6th from web
- It turns "hobo" into "HMO", "fucking" into "ducking" but had nothing to say about "numbnuts." Finally, we agree on something, iPhone.10:21 AM Jul 6th from txt
- Do you ever get that weird sensation you're being watched? Sorry. Also, could you drop a pretzel or something behind the couch for me?7:59 PM Jul 1st from web
- Him: I know the cat is following me because he wants my cereal milk, but I still feel special.
Me: You're like a sad woman in a nightclub.6:15 AM Jul 1st from web
- Yet another former youth group member unemployed, unwed, and having her third kid by a third guy before twenty-one. Just like in the Bible.7:39 AM Jun 29th from web
- Road trip. I've had fast food three days in a row. Couldn't decide whether to drive home or to the hospital to schedule a quadruple bypass.6:27 PM Jun 28th from Tweetie
- At a wedding rehearsal dinner. I'm feeling good. I think I'll knock this meal out of the park tomorrow.2:57 PM Jun 26th from Tweetie
- Last night Detroit had fireworks. For a second, I thought Obama had decided bombing the city was better than bailing out the auto industry.11:08 AM Jun 25th from web
- I hate those days when I wake up and have things to do, but all I want to do is verbally abuse a Dunkin Donuts employee.5:55 AM Jun 25th from Tweetie
- @secretsquirrel Happy birthday. Congratulations on surviving another year outside the uterus. It's tough out here.5:50 AM Jun 25th from Tweetie in reply to secretsquirrel
- @cleversimon Happy birthday! Celebrate it like you did the first one by being up to your neck in pussy and then crying a lot.12:44 AM Jun 25th from Tweetie in reply to cleversimon
- Me: So then the bartender says... No, wait, the pope... Crap. I messed the joke up. Is this what it feels like to be you?
Him: Hey. Yes.10:57 PM Jun 24th from Tweetie
- 95° again? I fucking give up. Why doesn't an alligator just come live in my asscrack and get it over with.10:48 AM Jun 24th from web
- Overheard: "I know she's white, but she gotta be that white?" Hey, neighbor, THE SUN AND YOUR WORDS BOTH HURT MY DELICATE NERD SKIN.12:02 PM Jun 22nd from web
- Him: You're mean in the mornings.
Me: I wouldn't be if you weren't such a jackass.
Him: See?8:30 AM Jun 20th from Tweetie
- Me: Did you notice we seem to have one fruit fly around?
Him: Yes. It watched me shower. I didn't like it.3:02 PM Jun 19th from Tweetie
- @tj au contraire my friend. I think that "Rogue Excretion" is worse.10:19 AM Jun 19th from Tweetie in reply to tj
|
|
