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shitmydadsays

  1. "Invite them. A wedding is a loaded gun. Don't be the asshole staring down the barrel asking which button makes the boom noise." 9:17 AM Jul 19th via ShitMyDadSays.com
  2. "Don’t focus on the one guy who hates you. You don’t go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog shit." 9:41 AM Jun 28th via ShitMyDadSays.com
  3. "Engagement rings are pointless. Indians gave cows...Oh sorry, congrats on proposing. We good now? Can I finish my indian story?" 8:35 AM Jun 17th via ShitMyDadSays.com
  4. "Look, we're basically on earth to shit and fuck. So unless your job's to help people shit or fuck, it's not that important, so relax." 6:08 PM Jun 4th via ShitMyDadSays.com
  5. "No. Humans will die out. We're weak. Dinosaurs survived on rotten flesh. You got diarrhea last week from a Wendy's." 12:10 PM May 26th via ShitMyDadSays.com
  6. "They're offended? Fuck, shit, asshole, shitfuck; they're just words...Fine. Shitfuck isn't a word, but you get my point." 4:58 PM May 21st via ShitMyDadSays.com
  7. "I don't want your advice, you're 27 fucking years old...Fine. I don't want your advice, you're 29 fucking years old." 3:18 PM May 11th via ShitMyDadSays.com
  8. "YOU, a published writer?..Internet don't count. Any asshole can throw shit up on there." (Book On Sale Today!) http://tinyurl.com/yc79h4l 9:11 AM May 4th via web
  9. “You seen my cell phone?...What’s it look like? Like two horses fucking. It’s a phone, son. It looks like a phone." 10:44 AM May 3rd via ShitMyDadSays.com
  10. "Stop trying so hard. He doesn't like you. Jesus, don't kiss an ass if it's in the process of shitting on you." 5:03 PM Apr 26th via ShitMyDadSays.com
  11. “It’s Los Angeles, son. It’s the epicenter of the asshole earthquake. They’d fuck you twice if they had another dick.” 4:04 PM Apr 20th via ShitMyDadSays.com
  12. "I’m not sure you can call that roughing it, son… Well, for one, there was a fucking minivan parked forty feet from your sleeping bags.” 10:39 AM Apr 16th via ShitMyDadSays.com
  13. "Waking up when you got a baby, you feel like you drank a bottle of whiskey the night before, except the shit's in someone else's pants." 11:30 AM Apr 12th via ShitMyDadSays.com
  14. "I found some shit in your room...No, I found actual shit. Feces...Well I should hope it's from your shoes, otherwise what the fuck?" 12:34 PM Apr 8th via ShitMyDadSays.com
  15. "Don't start a story with This is SO funny. Be like saying My dick's huge before you screw. Even if you're right you sound like an asshole." 3:21 PM Apr 5th via ShitMyDadSays.com
  16. "Your mom just ordered 35 copies of your book. I'm not paying for one. Fucking. Copy. Mine's free." http://shitmydadsays.com/book 8:37 AM Apr 1st via web
  17. "I didn't say you were ugly. I said your girlfriend is better looking than you, and standing next to her, you look ugly." 9:57 AM Mar 26th via web
  18. "Don't ask for my opinion then. I said congrats on the car, just saying nobody's panties are getting wet from a fucking Honda Accord." 9:06 AM Mar 22nd via web
  19. "War hero? No. I was a doc in Vietnam. My job was to say "This is what happens when you screw a hooker, kid. Put this cream on your pecker." 10:00 AM Mar 16th via web
  20. "HIDDEN roaming charges? Jesus, Sprint has 'fucking people' down to a science, like they practice it in a fucking lab on mice first." 2:41 PM Mar 10th via web
  • Name Justin
  • Web http://www.shitmy...
  • Bio I'm 29. I live with my 74-year-old dad. He is awesome. I just write down shit that he says
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