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shitehouse

  1. My tweets are irregular as my poops.
  2. When I'm alone and it's quiet, my guts make bubbling noises. It makes me feel even more lonely.
  3. Something tragic is about to happen.
  4. My husband just scored a free curbside pink toilet. I'm going to plant flowers in the bowl and tank. Think it'll piss off the neighbors?
  5. I'm constipated. Pooping like a rabbit.
  6. Why do cats always stare at you when they poop?
  7. I should probably chew my food more thoroughly.
  8. I used to work in a home furnishing department. I always farted in the potpourri isle.
  9. I've been employed 15 years and I've never pooped at work. Honest.
  10. Psyllium fiber makes things happen.
  11. Give us this day our daily bread: 'Pumpernickel' translated is 'Devil Fart'.
  12. The fact that we have butt cheeks and most animals don't; is this an evolution of human shame?
  13. FD&C Blue No.1 Lake makes my poop green.
  14. My parents' dog ate a braided rug once. Ever see a dog shit a 10 ft rope? It's an all day event.
  15. Once, my best friend shat in the woods and we laughed at the steam rising from the pile. She wiped her ass with a love letter.
  16. The form of the stool depends on the time it spends in the colon. http://tinyurl.com/lzxld
  17. Tripping on LSD when I was 17, I watched an iguana take a huge shit on AstroTurf. I was listening to the Downward Spiral. It was intense.
  18. Nothing says FUCK MY GUTS quite like a bag of dried calimyrna figs.
  19. I pray to God that my posthumous poop will shatter the pathos of my death. Or, at the very least, piss off the coroner.
  20. Reading PerezHilton inspires mass movement of the bowels.