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shawnpearlman

  1. Have you seen the new NC-17 Disney movie? It's overrated. 7:22 AM Sep 21st from Twitterrific
  2. I used to dissect frogs in English class, like Voltaire and Flaubert. 6:18 PM Sep 20th from Twitterrific
  3. Today is National Punchline Day: 07-08-09 ("Seven ate nine"). 9:13 AM Jul 8th from Twitterrific
  4. Z, the last letter in the alphabet, indicates sleep when there are many. Zzzzz. A, the first letter, indicates being very awake. Aaaaaaa!!! 9:53 AM Jul 2nd from Twitterrific
  5. I locked up my bicycle and someone stole my front tire and my seat. I'm on the lookout for anyone riding a unicycle. 3:03 PM Jul 1st from Twitterrific
  6. Does anyone in NY area have access to a Labrador or German Shepherd I can use for a video sketch? (Not a one-liner) 1:19 PM May 17th from web
  7. I make 90 million dollars a week. I work at the mint. 1:39 PM May 15th from Twitterrific
  8. A little from column A, a little from Columbine. 4:21 PM May 10th from Twitterrific
  9. My aunt is so allergic to dogs, her eyes start watering even when I mention her dead dog. 1:06 PM May 10th from Twitterrific
  10. My cell phone is anti-semitic. A Jewish friend called and it said "Restricted." 7:18 AM Apr 20th from web
  11. @anthonyjeselnik I love this 12:34 PM Mar 23rd from Twitterrific in reply to anthonyjeselnik
  12. Never put an exclamation mark at the end of "iPhone." It just looks like you're yelling the word "Phone" in Spanish. 8:33 AM Mar 9th from Twitterrific
  13. Hamlet The Namedropper: "Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him, Horatio." 6:20 AM Feb 26th from Twitterrific
  14. My blood is type O. Oops, I meant type A. That's a typo. 6:15 AM Feb 26th from Twitterrific
  15. Good title for a negative review of Slumdog: "Oh, Danny Boy-le, the hype, the hype is faaaaading." 9:39 AM Feb 3rd from Twitterrific
  16. My neighborhood used clothing store charges 50 bucks for tear away pants? What a ripoff! 6:37 PM Jan 29th from Twitterrific
  17. Twitter update I would love to see: "Updating my twitter." 12:53 PM Jan 27th from Twitterrific
  18. I wear Von Dutch hats like they're going out of style. 12:32 PM Jan 27th from Twitterrific
  19. Anti-anxiety meds cure stage fright, but reduce sex drive. No problem being onstage, but can't imagine audience in their underwear. 9:02 AM Jan 27th from Twitterrific
  20. Foley artists use everyday objects to create movie sound effects. For example, to replicate screaming, they use a saw and a leg. 11:02 AM Jan 26th from Twitterrific