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lonelysandwich
I just saw a guy at 7-11 eating a microwave burrito in a helmet. [How he got the microwave burrito into a helmet at 7-11 I'll never know.]
02:05 PM October 07, 2008
from web
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fireland
Today should've been a deleted scene. Self-indulgent, cliché, didn't advance the plot at all, and no nudity. For completists only.
09:20 PM July 29, 2008
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hotdogsladies
If my wife wakes up to an emptied carton of half & half, I may as well pack my belongings in it and call a cab.
06:02 AM July 29, 2008
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fireland
Can't find a greeting card that says "I'm sorry your wife died giving birth to my son." Oh whatever, I'll just send a funny balloon.
10:45 AM July 17, 2008
from web
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SeoulBrother
Called my Pops today. Sprayed some whiskey and burned myself with a cigarette because I get all sentimental.<3
04:19 PM June 15, 2008
from txt
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hotdogsladies
BO:"Checkmate." HC:"No, I'm still in." BO:"Check the board; I won." HC:"No, I still have two roundhead guys and a horse." BO:"OK. Whatever."
08:05 PM June 03, 2008
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SeoulBrother
A fool and his money are soon douchin' it up.
11:07 AM June 01, 2008
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hotdogsladies
Infant toys don't play Pachelbel's Canon so much as repeatedly shit it.
07:34 AM May 28, 2008
from web
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Moltz
Trying to think of a catch phrase for Twitter. "Twitter: You had an ironic lunch with it." "Twitter: It's not easy being meme."
07:02 AM May 28, 2008
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hatboy
@shaug @zalm I believe I'll call your worthless WashU MS with my worthless UChi MA, and I'll raise you two career changes.
10:26 AM May 27, 2008
from web
in reply to shaug
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lonelysandwich
Had pork chops. Dinner with @fedge also. He didn't have pork chops though, I did. Then we talked a lot and now karaoke! I did that wrong.
10:14 PM May 23, 2008
from PocketTweets
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lonelysandwich
Just got pulled over for speeding. LazyTwitter, help me talk my way out of it. Nevermind, here he comes, I'm just gonna show some cleave.
10:25 AM May 23, 2008
from PocketTweets
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girlkate
Big congrats to @shaug on the birth of Louis! Your tweets were very gripping, and it sounds like Cheryl was a real hero.
04:52 PM May 10, 2008
from web
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hotdogsladies
Flickr should declare a Sadie Hawkins Day where all the hot chicks gratuitously over-compliment their masturbating troglodyte stalkers.
03:58 PM May 08, 2008
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hotdogsladies
Web comments are a satisfying outlet for people who enjoy pressing a button right after saying something asinine.
08:45 AM May 06, 2008
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scottsimpson
Every time you use an apostrophe in the possessive form of "its," an eerie chill passes through heaven.
10:51 AM May 02, 2008
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scottsimpson
Turn off your TV and watch yourself masturbate in its reflection. That's Facebook.
10:46 AM May 02, 2008
from web
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