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scottsimpson

  1. During the move, lots of the kids' annoying toys simply disappeared. My Pinochet poster made it OK. about 15 hours ago from Birdhouse
  2. Sign of age: many of my attempted sexual fantasies end with us making it all the way through the English lesson. 9:34 AM Nov 28th from Birdhouse
  3. Spot my mistake: I took my kids, on Black Friday, to Best Buy, to get a USB cable. If you answered "having children," you're correct! 4:44 PM Nov 27th from Birdhouse
  4. A fork is better than a spoon for eating ice cream directly from the tub. And if you're crying, let the tears fall in for a melting effect. 3:50 PM Nov 27th from Birdhouse
  5. I won't reveal exactly how I did it, what with the spoons still packed away. Let's just say I got paleolithic on this Häagen-Dazs' ass. 2:54 PM Nov 27th from Birdhouse
  6. Happy Thanksboxing Day! http://flic.kr/p/7iLigG 11:50 AM Nov 27th from Flickr
  7. If that white noise were caused by a river, people would pay extra to live near it. (And thus begins my relationship with U.S. 101.) 9:49 PM Nov 25th from Birdhouse
  8. With frustrations high and a robust sense of exactly what you own, moving is a perfect time to practice divorce. 1:53 PM Nov 25th from Birdhouse
  9. A bit of a language barrier with the movers. I just either asked for more tape or ordered the execution of my cat. 12:28 PM Nov 25th from Birdhouse
  10. The Los Altos Goodwill now hosts the area's largest collection of bullshit French philosophy, and probably will for some time. 2:09 PM Nov 21st from Birdhouse
  11. The lady in front of me at the coffee shop is complaining so loudly Bill Murray showed up just to roll his eyes. 12:11 PM Nov 21st from Birdhouse
  12. After a workout my sweat-soaked T-shirt looks like a Rorschach blot, except everyone who looks at it sees the same thing: a heart attack. 12:09 PM Nov 20th from Birdhouse
  13. I've crunched some numbers, guys: if 3 other people pledge $2,000 each, I think I can get @PFTompkins to perform in my hot tub. #tompkins3 10:36 AM Nov 20th from Birdhouse
  14. To be totally honest, of course I love my children equally. But I definitely like one of them more. 8:21 AM Nov 20th from web
  15. @johnmoe My take: not a shoplifter. The thing looks floppy like a flyer or magazine, and she looks like she wants to use her hands to clap. 3:03 PM Nov 19th from Twitterrific in reply to johnmoe
  16. Stand-up Comedy Tip: Make sure to pick the right venue. I killed at my mortgage signing today. 1:40 PM Nov 19th from Twitterrific
  17. Now that we have to pack all of these dishes, I regret not subscribing to a newspaper. 12:40 PM Nov 19th from Twitterrific
  18. OK, just one thing left to do on the pre-move checklist: "Put everything we own into cardboard boxes." 10:17 AM Nov 16th from Twitterrific
  19. My son makes more money than I do. We lease him to local high schools as a pregnancy deterrent. 2:04 PM Nov 14th from Birdhouse
  20. "The customers selected merchandise as they continued through the maze to the cashier." Wikipedia on IKEA's grandaddy, Piggly Wiggly. 1:48 PM Nov 13th from Twitterrific