scottsimpson
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During the move, lots of the kids' annoying toys simply disappeared. My Pinochet poster made it OK.
about 15 hours ago
from Birdhouse
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Sign of age: many of my attempted sexual fantasies end with us making it all the way through the English lesson.
9:34 AM Nov 28th
from Birdhouse
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Spot my mistake: I took my kids, on Black Friday, to Best Buy, to get a USB cable. If you answered "having children," you're correct!
4:44 PM Nov 27th
from Birdhouse
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A fork is better than a spoon for eating ice cream directly from the tub. And if you're crying, let the tears fall in for a melting effect.
3:50 PM Nov 27th
from Birdhouse
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I won't reveal exactly how I did it, what with the spoons still packed away. Let's just say I got paleolithic on this Häagen-Dazs' ass.
2:54 PM Nov 27th
from Birdhouse
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Happy Thanksboxing Day!
11:50 AM Nov 27th
from Flickr
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If that white noise were caused by a river, people would pay extra to live near it. (And thus begins my relationship with U.S. 101.)
9:49 PM Nov 25th
from Birdhouse
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With frustrations high and a robust sense of exactly what you own, moving is a perfect time to practice divorce.
1:53 PM Nov 25th
from Birdhouse
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A bit of a language barrier with the movers. I just either asked for more tape or ordered the execution of my cat.
12:28 PM Nov 25th
from Birdhouse
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The Los Altos Goodwill now hosts the area's largest collection of bullshit French philosophy, and probably will for some time.
2:09 PM Nov 21st
from Birdhouse
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The lady in front of me at the coffee shop is complaining so loudly Bill Murray showed up just to roll his eyes.
12:11 PM Nov 21st
from Birdhouse
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After a workout my sweat-soaked T-shirt looks like a Rorschach blot, except everyone who looks at it sees the same thing: a heart attack.
12:09 PM Nov 20th
from Birdhouse
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I've crunched some numbers, guys: if 3 other people pledge $2,000 each, I think I can get @ to perform in my hot tub.
10:36 AM Nov 20th
from Birdhouse
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To be totally honest, of course I love my children equally. But I definitely like one of them more.
8:21 AM Nov 20th
from web
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@ My take: not a shoplifter. The thing looks floppy like a flyer or magazine, and she looks like she wants to use her hands to clap.
3:03 PM Nov 19th
from Twitterrific
in reply to johnmoe
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Stand-up Comedy Tip: Make sure to pick the right venue. I killed at my mortgage signing today.
1:40 PM Nov 19th
from Twitterrific
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Now that we have to pack all of these dishes, I regret not subscribing to a newspaper.
12:40 PM Nov 19th
from Twitterrific
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OK, just one thing left to do on the pre-move checklist: "Put everything we own into cardboard boxes."
10:17 AM Nov 16th
from Twitterrific
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My son makes more money than I do. We lease him to local high schools as a pregnancy deterrent.
2:04 PM Nov 14th
from Birdhouse
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"The customers selected merchandise as they continued through the maze to the cashier." Wikipedia on IKEA's grandaddy, Piggly Wiggly.
1:48 PM Nov 13th
from Twitterrific
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- Name Scott Simpson
- Location Los Altos Retirement Community
- Web http://youlooknic...
- Bio Shame is sexy
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