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samhey

  1. Not just saying because of the cocktails: this year I'm also thankful for all 'yall. Happy gobble.
  2. Whenever I call home from work it's like I'm beaming down to some planet in mid-annihilation.
  3. I dreaMED A DREAM OF TIMES GONE BYYYY / when music wAS MORE THAN DUDES KISSINNGGG
  4. I'll give my mother-in-law this: she wears her Movember well.
  5. Man, that bris hit the spot.
  6. In addition to his toots, @apelad has been AMAZING with recent 'default-twitter'-shaped avatars. Troll his stream for them. Truly beautiful.
  7. Exclamation points are the skid marks of the internet.
  8. My mother-in-law is like Yoda, except without any Jedi powers or wisdom.
  9. I buy a new leotard for the Sarah Palin workout video, and two reps into the 'mooseskinner' I go and sprain my dignity. That crafty bitch.
  10. Today we sing pancake songs.
  11. After convincing daughter to wear clean star underwear instead of dirty moon ones, I'm ready to bring peace to the middle east.
  12. Through sing-alongs and science fairs, they WILL DESTROY US.
  13. @tj don't worry. Your mom is my constant.
  14. I just went all Daniel Faraday on that plate of tacos.
  15. Hello fat jeans my old friend I've come to walk with you again
  16. First of all, It's called "the Shocker," doctor. And no, I guess I didn't really think through how the goat might react.
  17. What is the appropriate nickname for a butt afro? I'm asking for my butt.
  18. Most raisins aint sweet as grapes but DAMN your grandmomma FINE, girl
  19. I'll wager $1800 that Alex Trebek's manscaping is superb.
  20. Having a mirror that looks like an iPhone means they think I'm working as I caress the reflection of my lips for 30 minutes.