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samhey

  1. She bought unsalted potato chips and kept saying "I like the Glee version better," your honor. about 18 hours ago from Birdhouse
  2. Act I: dad, can you teach us cartwheels? Act II: dad, can we try on your neckbrace? 12:48 PM Nov 14th from Birdhouse
  3. On cold, lonely nights like these, I come home to the soft touch of My Nerf Lover. My Nerf Lover. Pliable. Forgiving. Nerf.™ 5:28 PM Nov 13th from Birdhouse
  4. If I had ladyboobs, I'd totally put them in wet cement. 11:52 AM Nov 13th from Birdhouse
  5. Getting old is discovering those strange odors are emanating from yourself. 7:52 AM Nov 13th from Birdhouse
  6. Today on Yo Gabba Gabba, the dildo one has lemonade with his family. 9:54 PM Nov 12th from Birdhouse
  7. Fat and lazy is still beautiful, if you say it in Italian. 12:15 PM Nov 12th from Birdhouse
  8. BOO! ha gotcha "Why's this monkeysuit baby in my stream?" Because some jerk retweeted me here WITHOUT CONTEXT. Discuss. Harder. 7:39 AM Nov 12th from Birdhouse
  9. Nothing like passing two people vigorously making out in public to make you take a moment and think DAMNIT PHONE SHUT UP AND KISS ME ALREADY 4:47 PM Nov 11th from Birdhouse
  10. Your mom is tired. 7:45 AM Nov 11th from Birdhouse
  11. You know a sitcom has reached critical appeal when TO BE CONTINUED 5:10 PM Nov 10th from Birdhouse
  12. I am perturbed the phrase 'piece of cake' connotes something trivial, as opposed to sacrosanct. What I'm saying is, don't fuck with my cake. 11:23 AM Nov 10th from Birdhouse
  13. Ideal cadnidate has great attention too detail. Strong copyedit skills a mush. 4:25 PM Nov 9th from Birdhouse
  14. Another day, another box of Nerds. 10:31 AM Nov 9th from Birdhouse
  15. @LucyKateHopkins Good luck rockstarmuffin! 9:07 AM Nov 9th from Birdfeed in reply to LucyKateHopkins
  16. Your music in your headphones never sounds as good as when it drowns out two people who don't really know each other chatting at Starbucks. 9:16 AM Nov 8th from Birdhouse
  17. @tj "postcoitus." 5:03 PM Nov 7th from web in reply to tj
  18. Just standing on a chair hairdrying a wet spot on the ceiling of the house I'm trying to sell, starring your tweets. 4:05 PM Nov 7th from Birdfeed
  19. But but I don't want to take a nap! How about hmm how about I play with your deteriorating sanity and existential sense of dread? YAAYY! 1:19 PM Nov 7th from web
  20. It puts the ship in the tractor beam or else it gets the Force choke again. 4:34 PM Nov 6th from Birdhouse