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robhuebel

  1. After a few drinks, in just the right light, I've been told I look like the guy that tucks his penis back in 'Silence of the Lambs'.
  2. Saw an old man with a t-shirt that said, "sack up" on it. I walked by and said "more like sack down, right?" He burst into tears.
  3. I'm handcuffed to a dead guy in the belly of a speeding yacht. I'm blindfolded and there's cocaine all over. This is sooo boring!
  4. Cheerios? Check. Shower? Check. Dress myself? Check. Kick stranger in the throat as a hilarious way to start my week? Double check.
  5. I bet the guy that invented toilet paper made a lot more money than the guy that invented pooping.
  6. I am in a hammock, which pretty much blows away anything you're doing, sucker.
  7. I went swimming today in a pool with some toddlers. I am a way better swimmer than those jerks.
  8. I am eating lunch at an Olive Garden. As a fucking joke on myself.
  9. I've been driving with my eyes totally closed for almost 30 minutes. A new record!!!
  10. Today feels like a day where I'm gonna take a hostage. Just one. Maybe two.
  11. I was not aware of how much I disliked middle-aged Armenian businessmen until I was sold into sexual slavery to them.
  12. Some girls are bigger than others. Some girls are bigger than others. Some girls' mothers are bigger than other girls' mothers.
  13. Going on radio at noon. Indie1031.com. Please tweet me your (real) weird relationship probs or sex questions. I will answer them horribly.
  14. Inside each and every one of us is a small, gay dog just yearning to be loved and petted in a creepy way.
  15. The employees at Victoria's Secret don't like it when you say, "it's so hard to decide what to buy, all this stuff makes my wiener hard".
  16. If I broke into your home, I'd steal 2 things: your remote control...and all of your toilet paper...just to break your spirit.
  17. A reminder: when the Zombie Wars start, you better fucking get behind me. Because I'm gonna blast some undead people in the face.
  18. The Korean family that lives behind me has no idea how easily they could see me naked right now. Idiots.
  19. There's a couple parked on my street steaming up the windows of a minivan. Times like these I wish I had a hook for a hand.
  20. Gotta bunch of clothes I want to give away. But I don't want the dude that takes them, to start getting a ton of sex I could have had.