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paul_e_wog

  1. This time of year I give thanks that I have remained single, thus avoiding any of those messy double homicides caused by in-laws.
  2. @stevewhitaker Same way you'd poison a human. Oh wait, do you mean a turkey that's being prepared as dinner? Still the same way as a human.
  3. Three years in a row I've waited for November and still no word from Wyclef Jean.
  4. Just throwing this out there 'Kay Jewelers', but not *every* kiss begins with Kay. Go ahead, ask any drunk girl ever.
  5. I start my new Wal-Mart seasonal job on Friday! My official title is "White Trash Herder".
  6. What are the odds J. Wellington Wimpy *is* the Hamburglar?
  7. Dude, Bono, she's not moving in mysterious ways. It's pretty obvious she's sprinting. Away from you. Like the rest of the female populace.
  8. Probably the worst part about Thanksgiving and the Holidays in general is realizing that I'm the drunk uncle.
  9. Black Friday is recognized as the day I can murder you over that amazing sweater you *think* you're buying for your boyfriend you hooker.
  10. "I'm sorry abacus, I still love you, but I'm leaving. You've changed. It's as if I can no longer count on you."
  11. I hate renting dwarfs during peak season.
  12. Happy Birthday @JephKelley! I got you tickets to Springsteen! And by "tickets" I mean "the url of a barely audible 'youtube' video." :-(
  13. @baileygenine Last year I was arrested and beheaded for bringing Christianity to Rome like my namesake and my parents *still* aren't happy.
  14. This hot astronomer asked me to go see a new moon or something, but she can't fool me, we're currently in the waning crescent phase.
  15. Probably a good date idea in the middle-ages would be to take a girl to 'Hooters' because everyone knows hot wings are better than mutton.
  16. So you went to see 'New Moon' last night. Now it's time to make a decision that's not completely terrible: follow @john_a_hughes.
  17. I broke up with my last girlfriend when her Mom mentioned "wedding bills" when referring to us. Sorry, but I'm not paying any wedding bills.
  18. What's the difference between "sexy" and "sexist"? I know I'm one of the two. Can any of you *ladies* help me out? <gives exaggerated wink>
  19. It's like I always say, where there's smoke, there's San Francisco Giants two time Cy Young award winner, Tim Lincecum.
  20. It's amazing how texting my ex "Oprah is ending her show" can ruin her day & make mine. It's the little things, people. The little things.