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offdutygnome

  1. @PsychWardSusan Thanks! Honestly, I typed it 3 times and it still wasn't right. Call me a perfectionist... or impaired. Your choice. 1:49 PM Nov 25th from web in reply to PsychWardSusan
  2. He spread her legs and filled her cavity while firmly grasping her pale heaving breast... then he turned the oven on. 1:48 PM Nov 25th from web
  3. Wow! 3rd times a charm... clearly, I've been drinking. My apologies... >hiccup< 1:45 PM Nov 25th from web
  4. In celebration of Black Friday I’m going to watch ‘The Color Purple’, ‘Do the Right Thing’ and ‘Malcom X’ ... Wait, what?! Umm never mind. 6:51 PM Nov 24th from web
  5. “This new electronic device is so simple and easy to use.” #shitmydadneversays 4:29 PM Nov 24th from web
  6. “I love these imported products from Asia.” #shitmydadneversays 2:38 PM Nov 24th from web
  7. “No thank you. I don’t want another ice cold beer.” #shitmydadneversays 2:37 PM Nov 24th from web
  8. Thinking of adding a little soul food to our Thanksgiving feast this year… Anyone know where I can find a Jive Turkey? 4:40 PM Nov 23rd from web
  9. I wonder how much my antibiotic pee would bring on the black market? This stuff is potent. Come smell my pee and be cured of your ailments! 8:14 PM Nov 20th from web
  10. @ritamartini I can't take credit... I saw it on a random photoblog somewhere... I love it! French chicks who fit the bill are extra ironic! 8:02 PM Nov 20th from web in reply to ritamartini
  11. Oprah, Oprah, Oprah! …? I guess it doesn’t work like Beetlejuice. Sorry. I was trying to scare Sarah Palin from writing another book. 8:00 PM Nov 20th from web
  12. Frito Lay’s Cheese Fix Munchies is my new favorite snack! It’s like the Justice League of Snack Mixes... Quick, to the Hall of Cheese! 5:10 PM Nov 20th from web
  13. Why do Douche Bags and Baguettes always make kissy "duckfaces" in their facebook photos?! Nevermind, that question kind of answered itself. 4:24 PM Nov 20th from web
  14. Thinking about spreading Chia seeds on my Snuggie and then taking a shower while wearing it… "Chia Snuggie, the backwards robe that grows!" 9:48 AM Nov 20th from Twidget
  15. My son flipped up the collar on his little polo shirt. Great… 14 months old and he’s already a douche! 7:30 AM Nov 20th from Twidget
  16. When I told the doctor how horrible I feel… he said, "Take two sad trombones and call me in the morning." Should I be worried? 7:18 AM Nov 20th from Twidget
  17. To the guy who didn’t flush the urinal… A. That’s rude and gross! B. You might want to drink a little more water. 7:55 PM Nov 19th from web
  18. I’m cutting off the corners of hundreds of Pillsbury Waffles to prepare for a possible Eggo Crisis in 2010! 7:24 AM Nov 19th from Twidget
  19. Anyone know if PETA has a problem with turtlenecks? 5:21 PM Nov 18th from web
  20. "Unfriend" Really?!! Ladies and gentlemen, behold The New Oxford English American Urban Dictionary. 5:06 PM Nov 18th from web