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NickACarpenter

I gave @vernthecat and @bunnybridget shingles and scabies for Christmas and I got a Nerf rifle and a slotcar track. Yes, I know I'm 30. about 11 hours ago from web
It says clearly in psalms 352:1 That Jesus said "Ye send mass text message on my birthday writen as though it were meant only for thy." 12:00 PM Dec 25th from UberTwitter
Its an honor to be standing in the exact spot where Jesus told his Tibetan monks to give the Romans egg salad sandwiches 204 years ago #XMAS 10:57 AM Dec 24th from UberTwitter
@lilmisschitown I bled to death. Hope you're happy. 11:25 PM Dec 23rd from UberTwitter in reply to lilmisschitown
@CeraJadexo I pay a dane cook to write my jokes. Its not really me. I could never be this unfunny. 11:24 PM Dec 23rd from UberTwitter in reply to CeraJadexo
@MaYraPaDiLLa83 I'm too much? Ok I'll stop them sad face crying face wiener face smiley face 11:21 PM Dec 23rd from UberTwitter in reply to MaYraPaDiLLa83
@brunette1981 you believed me about sacramento for a second. Amazing ! 11:21 PM Dec 23rd from UberTwitter in reply to brunette1981
@katykk I eat duct tape. 11:19 PM Dec 23rd from UberTwitter in reply to katykk
@Bekroxxx I just ate a turkey dinner with a spork. 11:17 PM Dec 23rd from UberTwitter in reply to Bekroxxx
There were so many babies crying on my flight, I decided to neuter myself with my car keys and a plastic knife. 1:56 PM Dec 23rd from UberTwitter
@DevonESawa hey you too doll..You too. 11:48 AM Dec 23rd from UberTwitter in reply to DevonESawa
Neil the mailman? Wasn't me.RT @BunnyBridget: http://twitpic.com/utkrz I got an early Xmas present from @nickacarpenter! Its an "N" pendant. 11:42 AM Dec 23rd from UberTwitter
Today I will be near the site that the Mormon/Hindu bible scrolls say Jesus first had Xmas brunch with the Jews, 89 years ago. (Sacramento) 9:56 AM Dec 23rd from web
Due to the severe wind in LA I will be canceling my unicycle sword juggling appearance at Wal-Mart today. Sorry for the inconvenience. 10:16 AM Dec 22nd from web
When I go ice skating tonight I really hope I don't fall and fillet some kids wiener or mine. My Rabbi already has dibs on my sheath. 6:57 PM Dec 21st from web
It's easy when you have 6 arms and 3 lobster claws RT @BunnyBridget: I just caught @nickacarpenter peeing and flossing at the same time.... 7:47 PM Dec 20th from UberTwitter
The back of my One-a-Day sour gummy vitamins say to take 2 of them a day. I take 3, then panic and barf 2 of them, then cry,then cut myself. 5:24 PM Dec 20th from web
My favorite part about Christmas (besides giving kids acid and knives) is this little jewel...@vernthecat.. http://mypict.me/2d9fp 9:16 PM Dec 19th from UberTwitter
Got a new mattress today. I wonder how long it will take me to void the warranty by spilling caviar, malt liquor, barf and/or semen on it. 2:30 PM Dec 19th from UberTwitter
@BMW_TRW I know you liked my Bengals joke... 10:21 PM Dec 18th from web