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neofeneon

  1. "Stop!" cried the man in his burgled Fifth Avenue apartment. His order should have been more forceful: the burglar kept running.
  2. Juan Cabrera was urinating near Bow Bridge. A thug approached him from behind, and caused his neck to become spotted with blood.
  3. Of the four armed men who barged into old Augusto’s Harlem store: two wounded, two dead. His shotgun.
  4. Crime scene: Midtown, a newsstand. Missing: four thousand dollars, cigarettes.
  5. When asked to switch tables, Rosanna Sanchez, of Sunset Park, set a glass bottle laceratingly to the waitress's face.
  6. Street vendor Benbahi Salah, the boob, felt up a female customer in the East Village. Busted.
  7. Frantz Toussaint, in Flatlands, twice knocking a parking ticket out of a traffic agent's hands, found himself, still protesting, arrested.
  8. A week after assaulting a man in Brooklyn, Mickey Sincere ran into him again, while he was talking to a cop. The cop snagged Sincere.
  9. A television set and a dresser, smashed, in Park Hill. Dennis Porter, trespassing ex-beau of the items' owner, nabbed, also in Park Hill.
  10. M. Baret was stabbed to death by a rival in the Bronx. Love.
  11. Chavaughn Jackson, Queens, caught stealing hair extensions, decked the clerk. No more braids for her, not in prison.
  12. In Fort Greene some nut job named Almond held up a bakery and threatened to send the workers to paradise. Foiled, by cops.
  13. What Hitler failed to do, Bronx-native Murray accomplished: the vicious murder of G.F. Brinkman, 91.
  14. Seen climbing a Staten Island balcony, Sessay said “I’m breaking and entering.” He was later charged with breaking and entering.
  15. No sooner had Michael Conelly, Staten Island, stolen $3500 in lottery tickets than his luck ran out.
  16. A man in his 30s, letting go of the Brooklyn Bridge, was disappointed 120 feet later when his rendezvous with Death was interrupted by cops.
  17. Stopped for speeding, 2 Otises jumped on a Jamaica cop, hit him with an arm cast, and bit him on the wrist; vigorous protests, but ignored.
  18. Gone in Floral Park: sisters Emma, Alison, Kate—9, 7, 5—their cousin Erin, 2, and aunt Diane, 36. The car crash's survivor: cousin Brian, 5.
  19. Screen-idol Kirk Douglas begat Oscar winner Michael Douglas, who begat crystal-meth dealer Cameron Douglas.
  20. From the $8.5 million tax dodge he facilitated in Brooklyn, Rabbi Weisz’s share was $750,000. Plus a few years in the can.